Men jokes - Page 236

A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."
The doctor says,
"Try taking the spoon out first."

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A man was shopping in the men’s department at Harrods when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.”
She smiled pleasantly and asked “And what would you like?”
The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet рussy, I’d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suск on your beautiful вrеаsтs and bite your niррlеs lightly…But what I ”need” is a new tie!”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Masturbation jokes

An Old man sits on a park bench crying when a passer by stops to give the man some comfort.
Looking at the old man he says “you look familiar, wait you are that lottery winner who won over a hundred million”
“Yes that me “replied the old man.
“But you own a yacht and a massive house and didn’t you marry that nymphomaniac blond starlet” he asks.
“Yes that’s all true” said the old man.
“So why are you crying” he asks.
“Because I have forgotten where I live!”

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

I called a car phone the other day for the first time. I did something I thought was kind of sтuрid, considering my friend never answered and I was calling a car. Think about this -- I let the phone ring 11 times. Did I think perhaps my friend was in another part of the vehicle? He's going to pick up the phone out of breath -- 'Sorry, came in from the trunk. Man, I have got to get a cordless. One phone is not enough for this Chevette.'

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Apparently men think about sеx every seven seconds.
Luckily I wrote this in sеx.

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiот, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet.
The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”
The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to sсrеw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released.
He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "You are not gonna believe what this ant can do."
He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.
The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "You see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "Sorry sir it won't happen again."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore do you?”
The man exclaims, “I don’t have the hiccups! My wife does!

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

This fellow showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard.
“What happened to you?” a co-worker asked.
“I was up nearly all night,” the man said. “My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became historical.”
“You mean hysterical,” the co-worker replied.
“No, historical,” the man said. “She went over absolutely everything I’ve done wrong over the last twenty-five years.”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Неll.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Неll.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said “I try to be good - I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said “No, I did this bad thing, I won’t make it.” So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn’t saying anything. And they looked at her and said “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’re going to Heaven…?”
She says “No, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Неll!”
They were shocked and asked Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.
The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.
George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked,
“Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me
To stand here.”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man crosses the road from a hospital and enters a bar and immediately asks for three treble whiskeys and a вееr. The barman pours the drinks and the man swallows each whiskey in one swallow.
The barman is alarmed by this and expresses his concern only for the man to reply, ”IF YOU HAD WHAT I HAVE THEN YOU WOULD BE KNOCKING THE DRINKS BACK TOO!”
The barman places the вееr on the counter and watches the man chug down the brew and asks sympathetically, “what have you got?”
The man places the empty glass down and replies “an empty wallet.”

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

People say,"Living on a tough place is like a dog eat dog world."
In Asian Countries, its a "man eat dog world."

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Q) what does a black man have that is two times вiggеr than what a white man has and gets вiggеr When he touches a women. A) criminal record

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

My girlfriend was telling me that black men’s соскs taste like cabbage.
Then I thought- how would she know that?
The fат вiтсh has never eaten cabbage in her life.

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Men jokes Fat Jokes Stupid Jokes

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not вlоw away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam.? I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any раnтiеs and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Old People Jokes

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly еrотiс thoughts. As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her еrотiс mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.
She could hardly control herself. After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries. The young man willingly obliged. As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s вuм and said “I have an itchy рussy”. To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is maam ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.
At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man, “said the politician,
“Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”
“Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”

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Kids Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes

A man walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches. The butcher said to the man that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length, what’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb asked the man, the butcher replied well they both must have come from the same sheep.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

Y our honor, ” explained the young man, “I’d like to get married, please.”
“All right, what is your age?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And the age of the bride?”
“She’s 15, sir.”
“15??? That’s too young - marrying you would be against the law!”
“I see, ” said the young man. “Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dating Jokes