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As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’
She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess andI take orders from no one.’
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Вiтсh.’
Part iii … …
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21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. … …
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22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. … …
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23. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them. … …
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24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. … …
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25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
A woman is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a 'poor, defenseless woman' his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. Again, she refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says,
"Look, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom. …
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“I am the smartest,” says one. … …
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“But I am the bravest,” replies another. … …
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The youngest - last in line to inherit - says nothing. …
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“Sons, sons! Stop this bickering. The inheritor of my vast wealth, of all my lands and riches, will be decided by a task.”
“Father,” cries the first son, “Whatever it is, I shall prove my worth! I will show you that your kingdom will be in safe hands with me! Name the task!”
The father breaths a laboured breath and then regards his first son.
“My firstborn, you shall journey to the furthest, storm-tossed seas of the great West. There, you will search the unfathomable depths for the long-lost wreck of the HMS Gordimer. Deep within her воwеls, there lies a treasure chest. Inside that chest is the incredibly rare Gem of Kings. Bring that, and you shall have my blessing.”
The son beams, prepares his horse and travelling train, and leaves on his quest.
“What is my task, father?” asks the second son. “Tell me! For your kingdom, for your blessing, nothing is impossible!”
“My son, you shall travel East. There, deep within the murky jungle of the Gargadian territory, you will find the vicious and savage saber-toothed Bear. Subdue it with just your hands and bring me its heart. Do this, and you shall have my blessing.”
The son packs his things and begins his tough journey.
“And me father?” asks the last son. “What is my task? What dangerous quest will you have me do?”
The father just looks at him.
“My boy,” he says. “Get me a Coke. I never liked those blowhards.”
A young man named John applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. It was one of the biggest stores in the world - you could get anything there. The boss said,
"You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
At the end of the next business day the boss came around and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said John.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss.
"Well, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe version we have."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered John, "he came in to buy a present for his mother-in-law, who'll come to visit on Friday, so I said to him, 'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing.'"
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says,
"It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says,
"Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says,
"I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says,
"Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
Vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
Wood.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will
Warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes
Back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”
She says again, “Well put them here between my legs and warm
Them up.”
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the
Night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are
Really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your
*ears* ever get cold?”