Military Jokes

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The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.
The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.
“Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!”
“Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.”
The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U. S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U. S. President is going to call me!”
“I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly rареd.”
Then she says,
"I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.
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The president of Mexico back, in the 80’s, locked in the entire senate one good day.
“No one leaves till we have a solution to our crumbling economy!!”
3 days they discussed plans, but to no avail.
Finally, on day 4, one congressmen stands up and excitedly announces he has a plan!!!
“We’ll declare war on the USA.” he announced
“WHY would we want to do THAT?” asked the shocked president.
“Well,” explained the young man, “then they’ll invade us and we will become THEIR problem. We”ll be added to their welfare, the food stamps, the unemployment…see????”
The room exploded with men and women agreeing with the plan, but the President looked unconvinced…
“What is wrong with the plan?” asked the Vice president
“Well… it is all fine and good… but what happens if we win??
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Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? - Mr I N Distress Dear I N Distress, This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 With best wishes, Tech Support. Submitted by calamjo Edited by Tantilazing
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The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges.
That's why we have the camel,sir."
"The Captain says,
"I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent .
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sеx with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir," the First Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town."
Generał odwiedził stacjonującą na skraju pustyni jednostkę wojskową. Szczegółowo wypytywał żołnierzy jak radzą sobie w takich bardzo niegościnnych okolicach. W końcu zagadnął ich też jak rozwiązują... A fiatal hadnagy a Szaharában szolgál, idegenlégiós tisztként. Amikor már nagyon hiányoznak neki a nők, így szól a húsz éve ott szolgáló őrmesterhez: - Mondja, mit csinál itt az ember, ha hm, nőre... La o unitate militara vine un general in inspectie. Toate bune cu o singura exceptie: O camila legata de un pom. Generalul intreaba: - Ce-i cu camila asta? - Stiti,o folosesc soldatii fiindca pe... La o unitate militara din desert vine un nou comandant. Vazand tipu' o camila legata de un stalp, intreaba ce-i cu ea. - Pai, stiti domn' sef, raspunde unul mai indraznet, cand mai avem novoie de... Într-o tabără militară din India soseşte un nou comandant. La o primă inspecţie, totul părea în regulă, cu excepţia unui singur lucru. Lîngă un pom, era legată o cămilă. Întrebînd pentru ce e... Új hadnagy érkezik a sivatagi helyőrségbe. Látja, hogy helyenként még az embereknek sem jut rendesen ennivaló, de van egy teve akinek a szőre csillog,-villog és kockacukorral etetik. Megkérdezi az... Afganistanin rauhanturvajoukkoihin tuli uusi komentaja Ruotsista. Hänelle esiteltiin paikkoja. Keskellä erämaata oleva leiri oli äkkiä esitelty. Telttojen lisäksi erämaassa oli kuitenkin pieni...
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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare three envelopes.".
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Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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During the last Yom Kippur High Holiday, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one.
- _ Talking section.
- _ No talking sectionIf talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest.
- _ Stock market.
- _ Sports.
- _ Medicine.
- _ General gossip.
- _ Specific gossip (choose from below.
- _ The rabbi.
- _ The cantor.
- _ The cantor's voice.
- _ The cantor's significant other.
- _ The rabbi�s significant other.
- _ Fashion news.
- _ What others are wearing.
- _ Why they look awful.
- _ My neighbors.
- _ My relatives.
- _ My neighbors' relatives.
- _ Presidential Election, results from.
- _ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom.
- _ My children/grandchildren.
- _ Other:_______________________________Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
- Doctor.
- Dentist.
- Nutritionist.
- Psychiatrist.
- Child psychiatrist.
- Podiatrist.
- Chiropractor.
- Stockbroker.
- Accountant.
- Lawyer, General Practice.
- Criminal Lawyer.
- Civil Lawyer.
- Real estate agent.
- Architect.
- Plumber.
- Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
- Sexologist  (??)
- Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
- Other:____________________________I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority.
- On the aisle.
- Near the exit.
- Near the window.
- In Aruba.
- Near the bathroom.
- Near my in-laws.
- As far away from my in-laws as possible.
- As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible.
- Near the pulpit.
- Near single men.
- Near available women.
- Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services.
- Where no one will notice me sleeping during services.
- Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
- Where I can text from my iPhone (SHHHH)(Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
- I can see my spouse over the mechitza.
- I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza.
- I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza.
- My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitzaPlease do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
This change): $________________________
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