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A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whоrеhоusе 10 miles."
He decides to stop in. A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whоrе.
The madam says, "I'll need $500 first."
The man pays, then asks about his whоrе again.
The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall."
He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot.
His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been sсrеwеd by the state of Mississippi!"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.
The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town.
On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber.
The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.
The time was right to make a move.
The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest.
I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live.
If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer.
He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.
The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."
Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man.
Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swinе.'"
This young boy named Don walked into a whоrеhоusе, slammed his money on the counter and said, "I want a woman!"
The man behind the counter asked, "How old are you?
"Don, replied, "I'm 17!
"The man said, "Your too young, come back when your older, mean while practice on trees.
"A year later Don once again came back to the whоrеhоusе, swung the front door open, then shut, stomped over to the front desk and slammed his money on the counter harder then before.
He screamed, "GIVE ME A WOMAN!"
The man behind the counter said, "How old are you?"
Don, shouted, "I AM 18!"
The man took Don's money and said, "OK, up stairs, second door on the left."
Don didn't miss a beat.
He ran up those stairs so fast he skipped every other step.
It wasn't about 5 minutes later when the man behind the counter heard the whоrе up stairs screaming in complete and utter agony.
So he jumped over the counter and ran up the stairs.
Once at the room he kicked in the door and to his surprise Don had a broomstick shoved right up the whоrе's p*ssy.
The man shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Don simply replied, "Checking for squirrels..."
A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God, “How long is a billion years to you?”
God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”
God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”
So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”
And God replies, “In a sec.”
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going."One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question."Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
Bill and John, in their 80's decided to visit the Madam for one last sеxuаl encounter.
The Madam noticed Bill and John approaching, she quickly prepared 2 вlоw-up dolls, placing one in each room on the bed.
Bill and John told the Madam that "We are here for the last time".
The Madam sent Bill upstairs to the room on the left and John to the room on the right.
After an hour Bill and John left the rooms, paid the Madam and left.
Bill and John were very quiet until Bill said: "How was yours"?
John said, "I think she was dead".
John said, "How was yours"?
Bill said, "I think she was a witch".
John replied, "How did you know she was a witch"?
Bill said, "Well I got on top of her, bit her niррlе, she farted and flew out the window."
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.
She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.
She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.
She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest вrеаsтs.