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One-Liner Jokes

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Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.
Tom Arnold
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One-Liner Jokes
I had an office so small...
That when I put the key in the door, I broke a window.
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One-Liner Jokes
A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner.
"Do you play things on request?" calls the man to the pianist.
"Oh yes, sir," says the pianist.
"Great," says the man. "Play dominoes."
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Gość wzywa kelnera i pyta: - Czy muzycy w waszym lokalu grają na życzenie gości? - Oczywiście, szanowny panie. - To proszę im powiedzieć, żeby zagrali w domino.
Music and Musician Jokes One-Liner Jokes Restaurant Jokes
Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store! Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween! Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries! Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend. Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE! Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans. Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which! Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein! Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries. Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray! Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is мisт. Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck. Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie. Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops. Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers! Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in. Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.
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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria. Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end. Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi! Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx! Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula. Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving! Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies. Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas. Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life! Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle. Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence. Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts. Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there! Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out! Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard. Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy. Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos. Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes
Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"
Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
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One-Liner Jokes
The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.
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One-Liner Jokes
My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.
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Женската интуиция направо ме поразява. My girlfriend is sooo smart! Поражаюсь женской интуиции.
One-Liner Jokes
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
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One-Liner Jokes
Good news, the Lego store has reopened...
People are lined up for blocks!
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One-Liner Jokes
I built a model of Mount Everest.
My son asked, “Is it to scale?”
I replied, “No... it’s to look at.”
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One-Liner Jokes
Someone broke into my garage last night and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!
Seriously, how low can you go?
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One-Liner Jokes
The opposite of isolate...
... is yousoearly.
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One-Liner Jokes
A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.
“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”
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One-Liner Jokes
It is a scientific fact...
That your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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One-Liner Jokes
Mother (to sleeping Little Johnny): "Little Johnny, wake up! It’s twenty to eight."
Little Johnny (half asleep): "In whose favor?"
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Little Johnny Jokes One-Liner Jokes
An elderly man went to his friend's house to have a little chitchat. Then, he told his friend, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."
His friend then asked, "So what's the name of the other leg?"
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Old People Jokes One-Liner Jokes
Why do Dasher and Dancer enjoy coffee so much?
Because they're Santa's star bucks!
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One-Liner Jokes Coffee Jokes
Is Rob Ford an aristocrat or a risk to сrаск?
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One-Liner Jokes
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...
There's no need to remind her every half hour.
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One-Liner Jokes Jokes about Women
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