Real estate jokes

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A frog goes into a bank “What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.
“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.
“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.
The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What kind of loan are you in the market for?” asks the Loan Officer.
“Any loan will do” says the frog “I want to buy a Lilly pad.”
“I see.” says the Loan Officer “Well, in order to apply for a loan, I first need to know your name. What is your name?”
“My first name is Kermit” answers the frog.
“Your first name is Kermit?” asks the Loan Officer.
“Correct,” answers the frog “and my last name is Jagger”.
“Your name is Kermit Jagger?” The Loan Officer asks incredulously.
“Correct,” says the frog “my mother was a frog and my father is Мiск Jagger.”
“I see” says the Loan Officer “Well, in order to secure a loan, the bank needs some type of collateral. Do you have any real estate, bonds, precious metals, etc?”
“No,” answers the frog “all I have is this.” The frog produces a miniature, pink elephant and holds it up to her face.
Flustered, the Loan Officer (whose first name is Patty) snatches it from the frog and storms off to the Bank Managers office.
“Sir!” she says as she barrages into his office “there’s a frog out there who wants a loan for a Lilly pad, and he says his name is Kermit Jagger.”
“Kermit Jagger?” Asks the Bank Manager.
“Yes,” she says “his mother was a frog and his father is Мiск Jagger. Anyway, all he has for collateral is this tiny, pink elephant thing. I don’t even know what this is!” The Bank Manager exclaims:
“That’s a Knick-Knack, Patty Whack, give that frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
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A man moves from China to the US looking for work After he and his wife settle in, they find themselves prospering in their new country. Years later, they have a son, who grows up to be a powerful and respected businessman. One day, he comes home with a woman wrapped around his arm "Mom, Dad" he says,"This is Tiffany Wong." His parents are estatic, since the Wongs are renowned real estate moguls. They have dinner, and subtlety give their blessings to their sons relationship. However, after they see their soon to be daughter-in-law off, their son asks them to sit down.
"If I want to marry her, the Wongs want me to take on their family name" the son explains. The mother suddenly breaks down in tears, as the father can't believe the words he just heard. "You're a Ting" he cried, "For generations our family has held that name as a symbol of our honor and tradition!"
"I'm sorry dad, but I love her too much, I've already agreed to change my name." Their son leaves the family's apartment quietly, leaving behind a sobbing father and mother.
The next day, a family friend hears of the news, and visits the grief stricken parents. He consoles them, offering his own words of encouragement.
"Sometimes things like these happen. It could be Murphy's law you know"
"Any Ting that can go Wong, will go Wong"
Real estate jokes
The Holy Cross Cemetery had received a surprise donation that would double the real estate of their current holdings, which were already overcrowded.
The lead undertaker, Arthur Falconer, was tasked by the superintendent with surveying the new land to plan how to layout the new headstones.> He took his shovel to the new grounds and started to dig a burial plot. To his immense frustration, the ground was too hard—nearly solid clay when it wasn't bedrock. He moved to another spot, and again, the ground was too solid to dig. No matter where he moved in the newly donated land, he couldn't carve out so much as a golf hole.
He returned to the head office where his superintendent asked him when he would be able approve the new grounds for the long list of potential clients awaiting internment.
"I can't," Arthur answered sadly. "I've got grave concerns."
Real estate jokes
So There's a Gypsy and a Doctor (old Croatian joke) The gypsy and the doctor are both in the market looking for houses. So the doctor decides that he wants his own custom house. So he buys a plot of land. And, seeing the doctor as a smart man, the gypsy does the same.
Once construction on the houses had begun, the gypsy copied everything the doctor did. The doctor put stones on his house, so did the gypsy. The doctor built an interlock drive way, so did the gypsy. In the end, both had identical houses.
A few months later, being the flexible person he is, the doctor decides to get his house appraised, and so does the gypsy.
When the real estate agent asked the doctor how much he thought the house was worth, the doctor immediately said 1 million dollars. And so the real estate agent put up that price. Then the real estate agent asked the Gypsy what he thinks his house is worth, and instantly the Gypsy says 1.2 million dollars. The real estate agent asks the Gypsy why he thinks his house is worth more if they both have the exact same, identical house. And the Gypsy responds "because who ever buys my house has a doctor for a neighbour, but whoever buys his house gets a Gypsy!"
Real estate jokes
Forty years after graduating, four friends from business school decide to have a reunion.
The first three arrive at the same time. As they wait for their fourth friend, they start talking, catching up on the years they missed. All of them have had careers, married, and had children who are themselves having careers.
"My son has been such a successful real estate businessman that he gave his girlfriend a mansion by the sea for her birthday," boasts the first man.
"Ah, but my son", says the second man, "has been so successful in aeronautical industry, that he gave his girlfriend a helicopter for her her birthday."
"That's cute," says the third man, "but my son has been so successful in the world of finance that for her birthday, he gave his girlfriend a pack of very good shares in 20 different companies. She's literally a millionaire, and all thanks to my son."
At that moment, the fourth man finally arrives. No sooner have they greeted him that they ask him :
"What does your son do."
"My son?" replies the fourth man. "He's an еsсоrт boy."
A long, awkward silence ensues.
"I'm... sorry," says one man. "That must be disappointing."
"Disappointing ? Not at all ! You see, it was his birthday last month, and three of his favorite customers gave him a mansion by the sea, a helicopter and a pack of shares that literally made him a millionaire
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A group of wealthy gentlemen were sitting at a luncheon arguing over who made the most money...
Man #1 says "I am the wealthiest man here. I am a banker. Every month, I make a handsome profit in the interests on all my loans at once."
Man #2 says "Ah, but I own the operations of a massive oil production. I never even have to work and every quarter my profits triple because demand is so great."
Man #3 laughs and says "I am clearly the richest person here. I own the pieces of land you both use to run your businesses. I own the most important real estate in cities across the country."
Finally they looked upon the last man who they hadn't recognized. One of the men asked "My good sir, what do you do? Are you richer than any of us?"
The man reached into his wallet and took out small pictures and handed them to each of the other men. They began to shuffle uncomfortably.
"But sir," one of them began to say, "Why do you have pictures of our wives in your possession?"
The 4th man replied "I run an alimony enterprise, and those women are some of my best workers."
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A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first "real" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to make sure that the reservations are in order and to see if anything can be done to make the occasion a standout.
Well, what do you know, there's a celebrity in the restaurant: reality TV star, real estate mogul, and Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump. The young woman, who happens to be attractive, boldly walks up to his table and says,
"Mr Trump, I know this is very forward of me, but I'm a huge admirer. My family has donated to your campaign and we've all turned out for your rallies. I'm having an interview in this restaurant in a few minutes and it would make such a good impression if you dropped by my table and said hello."
Trump, mellow with good food and drink, and charmed by her appearance and enthusiasm agrees to do her this favour. Soon the young woman is chatting with her potential boss and mentor over their meals. On his way out, Trump stops by and greets the young woman like an old friend. She rolls her eyes, gives an exasperated sigh, and says,
"Fuск off, Don, we're trying to eat."
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3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.
They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be alone start sunbathing, talking about their lives (most of the talk being complaints), and simply having a good time.
One of the guys decides, he wants to build a sandcastle, because, why the hеll not. He starts digging up some sand, and asks his best friends to help him out. They start digging, and finally, one of them exclaims:
“Guys! look! Its a lamp!” The guys looked at each other and instantly knew what to do: all three of them simultaneously gave the lamp three rubs.
Suddenly *рооf* a genie came out of the bottle! The three guys felt like this trip just couldn’t get any better.
The genie, in the most Will Smith voice possible says:
“you three, you have freed me! I shall give each one of you three wishes as a sign of my gratitude!” The first guy instantly responds:
“i want health for myself, and my entire family.” And the genie grants his wish.
The second guy responds:
“i want the same thing, seems like a good idea. However, if you could add upon that that all current illnesses, genetic or otherwise would disappear, it would be great.” The genie replies “yeahhh sure” and *рооf* his wish is granted The third guy said he needed a while to think. After about 30 minutes, he exclaimed:
“ive got it! I want my right hand to spin clockwise until I die!” The genie, dumbfounded, asks “are you sure?” And the third man simply said “yes, 100%” and his wish was granted.
The first guy then said “its my turn again! I want to be wealthy enough to buy anything i’d ever want, and i want to see proof of it.” The genie granted his wish and *рооf* a phone appeared in his hand showing the first guy’s bank statement. $10 Billion dollars have been deposited on his bank account.
The second guy, agreeing to his logic, said “i also want money. But i’d rather have it in physical goods, like houses, or gold bars” *рооf* another phone appears showing a page with all the real estate and investments that the second guy now owned, all worth around 10 billion dollars too.
The third guy, having thought about this thoroughly throughout the last few minutes, simply said “i would like my left hand to spin counter-clockwise until i die” the genie thinks to himself, this man MUST have a plan with all this. And simply grants his wish.
Back to the first guy. He now wished for him, and all his loved ones to be immortal, and to stay at the age of 35 until they decide, on their own terms, that its time for them to leave this planet. The genie, granted his wish just like all the other ones before him.
The second guy, who we now know is the least creative of the bunch mutters nothing else but “same”. And the genie grants his wish too.
The third guy however, was still thinking. His left and right hand spinning in opposite directions he shouted:
“i want my head to rock back and forth as if i was on a rock concert until i die!” At this point the genie didn’t even care anymore and just said “aight man, whatever”.
The men, all happy with their wishes decided to meet up again in ten years to discuss their lives.
They met up in Monaco, one coming on his yacht, the second on his private jet, both with beautiful wives and kids, and sat down at a table in the most expensive restaurant in town. The third guy then arrived, his hands still spinning and his head still rocking back and forth, almost knocking over the table. He apologised and they began talking about their lives. The first and second guy are so happy with their new lives that they have tears streaming down their cheeks. They talked about the wonderful houses theyve built, the investments theyve made, and the vacations theyve had. Suddenly they realised that the third guy hasnt said a word. They ask him, “what about you? Hows your life? How did your wishes work out for you?” And he looks at them, a tear rolling down his eyelid and says “guys, i think i fuскеd up”
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Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up.
The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids.
The first man says, “I'm really proud of my son. He started off as a small realtor showing houses every day and working himself to death, but it paid off! Now he owns his own real estate business that has offices across the country. In fact, he’s done so well that he recently bought his friend a very nice house”.
The second man (not wanting to be outdone) instantly starts describing his son. “Well I am just beyond proud of my son. He started out as a car salesman and he worked every weekend and all the holidays, but boy did it pay off! He now owns car dealerships across the country. In fact, he has done so well recently that he bought his friend two very expensive cars”.
The third man then launches into a description of his son. “Ah well my son is just phenomenal and I could not possibly be more proud of him. He started off as a small stockbroker in a tiny company, but through perseverance and hard work he has become the biggest broker for Wall Street. In fact, he has done so well that recently he bought his friend a ton of stocks that are expected to dramatically increase in value; for sure his friend will be a very wealthy man in just a year or less!” At this point the fourth guy finally joins them and asks what he has missed. The other three explain that they have been talking about their kids and how proud they are of what their offspring have accomplished.
The last guy blatantly states, “I'm not really all that proud of my son. He's been a hairdresser for the last fifteen years and I recently found out that he is gаy…But he must be really good at what he does considering his last three boyfriends have bought him a house, two cars, and a bunch of great stocks”.
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Real estate jokes
I entered ten puns into a pun contest I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.
A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!
The first book sold extremely well, and that cemented me as a world famous comedian and author. I had several Netflix specials as well as a couple world tours.
It was during one of those tours where I met my wife. It wasn't even during one of my acts. I was just waiting in line at a gelato stand and she struck up a conversation with me.
We had two beautiful children. The first, Michael, was a always curious about the world around him. He loved butterflies and wanted to work at the conservatory. Our second, Julia, was a real handful. She loved running around and hoped to make the national women's soccer team.
Unfortunately Michael was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was seven. He passed away two years later. Even now, forty years after he died, I think about him every day. We bought a plot of land on the butterfly conservatory grounds and planted a hedgerow where we spread his ashes. The butterflies love to land on the branches.
Julia never did make the women's soccer team. Instead, she got a career as a real estate agent and moved to rural Alaska. She made a good living selling huge tracts of land before she met her husband and moved back to our hometown to be closer to family.
My wife and I are nearing our deaths, now. My comedy days are long over. I get asked every now and then to make an appearance or do an interview. Why, just last week I was talking to another reporter who asked about how I got started in comedy.
Reporter: you've had quite a fascinating life. Would you say that everything has gone according to plan?
Me: Nope, unintended.
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A real estate agent from the city is driving down a county road looking for the place he is to meet a new client. He looks out the window and sees a three legged chicken running beside him in the ditch.
He is amazed that as he looked at the speedometer in his car and he's doing 40 mph, all the while the chicken is keeping up with him.
He increases his speed to 50 mph and the chicken stays with him. He keeps it up. 60, 70, 80 mph and the chicken keeps pace no problem.
The realtor hits 90 mph and he is finally able to overtake the chicken. As he coasts to a more manageable speed the chicken runs down a driveway and into a farm.
The realtor, who's curious at this point, turns around and goes into the farm. He finds the farmer tending his garden and heads over to him.
" I was driving down the road and I came across a three legged chicken! He could run 90 miles an hour! What is with that?"
The farmer replies: "it's a simple story. There is me, my wife and my son living here. We all love a drumstick. So instead of fighting over them when we eat chickens, we biologically engineered our chickens to have three legs!! Drumsticks for everyone!"
"My god! That's a brilliant plan! Think of all the possibilities! How do they taste?"
"We don't know! We can't catch the fuскin things!"
Real estate jokes
A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The ole cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it.
Two weeks later, the ole cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
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Four affluent fathers meet up for their yearly golf match with each other. As fathers tend to do, they all start bragging about their children. The first father brags, "my son is a successful real estate agent! He's so successful, he gave a beautiful house to one of his friends for free!"
The second father scoffs. "That's nothing. My son is the most successful car salesman in the state, he recently gave a friend a Jaguar for free!"
The third father rolls his eyes. "Well, my son is a successful businessman. He's so successful, he recently gave a friend a portfolio that's worth millions of dollars!"
The first three fathers notice the fourth father hasn't said anything yet. "What's wrong?" They ask him.
"Well," the fourth father says,
"My son recently came out to us as gаy." The first three fathers begin to offer their condolences before the fourth father cuts them off. "It's actually pretty great. His last three boyfriends have given him a beautiful new home, a brand new Jaguar, and millions of dollars in stocks!"
Real estate jokes
An old lady goes into a bank...
Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"
She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her request to be allowed to open an account, and the manager explains that they very rarely take new customers, and she would need to have at least a million pounds in investable assets, not including real estate. (r/theydidtheresearch) But she says that is not a problem as she has over a million pounds in cash on her, and hands over a briefcase.
While the manager delegates the task of counting the money to an underling, he asks how she comes by so much cash. "Oh, I make bets," she says. "For instance, I am willing to bet £50,000 that by lunchtime on Monday your testicles will have turned square."
The manager, of course, takes the bet at once, and on learning that the briefcase did indeed hold over a million pounds, he gives his approval for her account to be opened. She bids him a good day and makes an appointment to see him again at noon the following Monday.
When she returns she is accompanied by a smartly dressed man, and explains to the manager that this is her lawyer, whom she has brought along as a witness. The bank manager smiles and says that he can understand this, but she is going to find she is out of luck. "Well, maybe," she says,
"But considering the money involved, I'm sure you'll agree that I am entitled to put you to the test."
She takes a large tablespoon from her handbag and says "Be so kind as to drop your trousers and underpants, please," and when he does so she cups his sсrотuм in the tablespoon and sighs sorrowfully. Meanwhile however her lawyer has begun silently ваnging his head on the bank manager's desk.
"Oh dear," says the manager, a little patronisingly, "I fear my learned friend is dismayed at your reckless gambling away of your wealth."
"Oh no," says the old lady, "it's just that last Thursday I bet him a hundred thousand pounds that I'd have your ваlls in a tablespoon before the banks shut on Monday."
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