Jokes about Sailors

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.
They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."

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What's a hоrny pirate's worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no воотy!

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Dirty jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.
The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

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Military Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sailor Jokes

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a sеамаn, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

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Military Jokes Management Jokes Sailor Jokes

Actual conversation recorded on channel 106 of the maritime emergency frequency off the Galatian coast of Spain between Spaniards and Americans the 16th of October, 1997.
Spaniard: (background noise) This is A-853, please alter your heading 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. You are headed straight for us, at a distance of 25 nautical miles.

American: (background noise) We suggest you alter your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

Spanish: Negative. Repeat, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

Americans: (another voice) This is the captain of a ship of the United States of America speaking. We request that you turn 15 degrees north to avoid collision.

Spanish: We do not consider that doable, nor convenient. Please turn 15 degrees to the south to avoid colliding with us.

Americans: (heated tone) THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD SPEAKING, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FLEET.

WE ARE ESCORTED BY 2 GUNBOATS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 BATTLESHIPS, 4 SUBMARINES, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS.

I DO NOT "SUGGEST", I "ORDER" YOU TO CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL.

PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR COURSE!!!

Spanish: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, food, 2 beers, and a canary that's asleep at the moment. We have the support of the radio station "Cadena Dial de La Coru" and channel 106 of the emergency maritime frequency.

We aren't going to turn anywhere, seeing as we're speaking from land. We're in the lighthouse A-853 of Finisterra on the Galatian coast. We don't have the foggiest clue about where we rank in Spanish affairs. You can take whatever measures you please and do whatever the fuск you want to guarantee the safety of your piece of shiт vessel, that's going to crash into the rocks!

So we insist, once again, and we recommend you do the most sensible thing and change your heading 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

Americans: Roger, thanks.

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American Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes Cheating Jokes Sailor Jokes

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sеx you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sеx I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

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Military Jokes Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Aviation Jokes Sailor Jokes

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Sailor Jokes

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a рrоsтiтuте and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?"
The рrоsтiтuте says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks.
She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

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Men vs Women Jokes Sailor Jokes

Top 10 Reasons To Live in New Brunswick:
1. You are sandwiched between French аsshоlеs and drunken celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to кill you
8. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

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News and Politics Jokes Grandparent Jokes Sailor Jokes

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

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News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Wedding jokes Banker Jokes Sailor Jokes

On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''
''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''
''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''

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Sports Jokes Sailor Jokes

There is this third grade class with this kid named Rotten Reggie in it.
One day, the teacher decides that she will ask the class one question every Friday and the student who gets it right can stay home from school on Monday. The whole class thinks this is a great idea - especially Reggie. On the first Friday, the teacher asks the kids how many buckets of sand are in the deserts of Egypt. No one knows and the kids are very рissеd off. The next Friday, the teacher asks who was the first sailor to sail arround the world. No one knows again. Rotten Reggie is getting real рissеd off now, so he goes home and spray paints two golf ваlls black. The next Friday right when the teacher says it is time for the question, Reggie rolls the two ваlls to the front of the room. The teacher picks the ваlls up.
"All right, who is the comedian with two black ваlls?"
"Eddie Murphy! See ya on Tuesday!"

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Sports Jokes School Jokes Sailor Jokes

Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: He wiped his вuм with the wrong hand.

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Gross Jokes Sailor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Military Jokes

Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.
The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."

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Gross Jokes Sailor Jokes Beauty Jokes Military Jokes Pirate Jokes

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69.
She said, "No, but I have done 53 - that's all the sailors I could sсrеw in one night."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Sailor Jokes

Yo' Mama is so flat, pirates can't wait to get their hands her a sunken chest.

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Yo Momma Jokes Insult Jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

Q: How did the pirate become a boxing champion so fast?
A: Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.

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Sailor Jokes Sports Jokes Pirate Jokes

Q: How did the pirate get through School?
A: By sailing on high C's.

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School Jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules...

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Halloween Jokes Office and Work Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Sailor Jokes

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a рussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hеll, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could рее,
Last was a sailor, dirтy little runt, he suскеd it and fuскеd it, and called it a сunт.

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