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Actual conversation recorded on channel 106 of the maritime emergency frequency off the Galatian coast of Spain between Spaniards and Americans the 16th of October, 1997.
Spaniard: (background noise) This is A-853, please alter your heading 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. You are headed straight for us, at a distance of 25 nautical miles.
American: (background noise) We suggest you alter your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.
Spanish: Negative. Repeat, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: (another voice) This is the captain of a ship of the United States of America speaking. We request that you turn 15 degrees north to avoid collision.
Spanish: We do not consider that doable, nor convenient. Please turn 15 degrees to the south to avoid colliding with us.
Americans: (heated tone) THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD SPEAKING, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FLEET.
WE ARE ESCORTED BY 2 GUNBOATS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 BATTLESHIPS, 4 SUBMARINES, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DO NOT "SUGGEST", I "ORDER" YOU TO CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL.
PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR COURSE!!!
Spanish: This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, food, 2 beers, and a canary that's asleep at the moment. We have the support of the radio station "Cadena Dial de La Coru" and channel 106 of the emergency maritime frequency.
We aren't going to turn anywhere, seeing as we're speaking from land. We're in the lighthouse A-853 of Finisterra on the Galatian coast. We don't have the foggiest clue about where we rank in Spanish affairs. You can take whatever measures you please and do whatever the fuск you want to guarantee the safety of your piece of shiт vessel, that's going to crash into the rocks!
So we insist, once again, and we recommend you do the most sensible thing and change your heading 15 degrees south to avoid collision.
Americans: Roger, thanks.
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a рussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hеll, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could рее,
Last was a sailor, dirтy little runt, he suскеd it and fuскеd it, and called it a сunт.
An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.
They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."
A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.
The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''
''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''
''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''