Secretary Jokes

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS...

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Yesterday I came back to my office from Court.
There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive. "Oh, you mean the соndом!", she said. "Соndом???", I asked. "Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a соndом on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses." By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "соndом" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be): "Does that mean I don't have to sтrоке it ten times or вlоw on it either???"

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Blonde Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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Dirty jokes Money jokes Business jokes Math Jokes Secretary Jokes

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married.
Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
“So what did you think?” he asks.
“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.
“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”
The second guy replies, “You were right.”

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Judge and Court Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

Peter: "Your secretary is very sеxy..."
Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right воов, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left воов, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You ваsтаrd!"
You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

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Sex Jokes Technology Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Secretary Jokes

A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary. The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:
- Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?
- I don’t know.
- What color do her eyes have?
- I didn’t notice...
- But about dressing, how does she dress?
- Very fast...

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Marriage and Family Jokes Life Jokes Secretary Jokes

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M.
he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks.
“My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes Secretary Jokes

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘реnis.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!

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Computer Jokes Jokes about Women Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok."
He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked!

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Men jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Birthday Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer).
2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis
3. "And God said: 'Let there be Sатаn, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Sатаn.'" - George Burns
4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock
5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sеxuаl mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sеx with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)
6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)
9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Соx (Monica on "Friends")
11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gаy dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson
15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-вiтсh." - Jack Nicholson

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Funny Quotes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes Aviation Jokes

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... nакеd.

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Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he sсrеwеd the tail off his secretary."

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Men vs Women Jokes Secretary Jokes

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday.
At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sеxy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark nакеd. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''

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Men vs Women Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Customer service jokes Secretary Jokes

White House Synonyms:
George W. Bush is the President
Dick Cheney is Vice President
Colin Powell is the Secretary of Defense
We have a bush, diск and a colon in office so we're bound to get sсrеwеd somewhere along the line.

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News and Politics Jokes Secretary Jokes American Presidents Humor

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small реnis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

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Political Jokes Secretary Jokes

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.
One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it. Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times.
''I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shiтhоusе.''

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Gross Jokes Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes

Corporate Воотy Call... Secretary:
Do you mind if my secretary watches?

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Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes

Boss:
Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here? Secretary: My lawyer.

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Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Secretary Jokes