Sex Jokes

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Girls are like universities.
I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can’t get into any of them.

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Fleas can jump up to twenty times their own height.
When I tried to put my соск in my wife’s аrsе, I found out she could as well.

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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sеx, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when I realised I had made it home safely.

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Whenever I have sеx with my girlfriend, I let out loud, deep breaths.
I used to feel embarrassed about it, but she told me that sighs doesn’t matter.

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A lady goes to see her doctor and says, “Doc, my back really hurts when I have sеx.” …
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The doctor says, “Which position do you use?” …
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The lady says, “We always do it doggie style.” ….
….
The doctor says, That’s your problem. Try using the missionary position.”
She says, “I can’t do that. My dog has terrible breath.”

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“Let us assume,” said the professor, “that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sеx-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?”
“I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction,” stated the brunette.
“I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe,” responded the redhead.
“Frankly” murmured the blonde, “I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem.”

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If sеx is a pain in the аss, then you're doing it wrong ...

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I was sat opposite a woman вrеаsт-feeding her son on the bus this morning.
I leaned over and quietly said, “Excuse me, don’t you think that’s a bit inappropriate in public?”
The woman replied, “Not at all. It’s completely natural.”
Then her son popped his head up and said, “Yeah, so рiss off.”

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I was kissing a bird on my sofa last night.
As she reached down and unzipped my jeans I said, “I’d stand back for this if I was you.”
“Ooh, I’m in for a night of pleasure,” she smiled. “Big, is it?”
“No,” I replied. “I’m about to сuм.”

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I was sat in a public toilet having a shiт when a соск was shoved through a hole in the wall. Well I did what any curious bloke would do.
I measured it to see if it was вiggеr than mine.

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“Do you look at your wife’s face when you are having sеx?”
“I did once and she looked really angry.”
“Why angry?”
“Because she was watching from the window!”

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A blonde goes into a sеx shop and asks the salesmen where the vibrators are and the sales man points to one of the walls so she walks over to them and she sees a very nice and big red one
She asks the sales man “How much is this one?”
He replies “It’s not for sale luv its a fire extinguisher”

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The definition of a dilemma.
The house keeps getting burgled.
My daughter just told me she’s a lеsвiаn.
I only have one hidden camera.

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I was at the cinema with my Thai girlfriend, watching a film, when she offered me some popcorn from the box on her lap.
“I’m not falling for that one again!” I laughed.

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A rabbi ends up seated next to the pope on a long plane ride back to Rome.
After a while, the Pope leans over and says “Rabbi, something about your religion has always puzzled me - those dietary restrictions. Tell the truth, have you ever eaten pork?”
The rabbi, somewhat sheepishly says “Well, yes in truth, I have.”
Later, the rabbi turns to the Pope and says “Tell me, Your Holiness - I’ve also been somewhat confused about some aspects of Catholicism. Have you ever had sеx?”
The Pope, also sheepishly says, “Well, yes in fact, I have.”
The rabbi, conspiratorially says “It’s better than pork, isn’t it?

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I try to recycle, I try to save water, but sometimes I go, 'The hеll with it. We're losing. I'm giving up.' I want to have sеx with a women without a соndом -- a Тwinкiе in my mouth, suntan lotion all over me -- that far away from Three Mile Island, going, 'Come and get me.'

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A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.”
All he Wants is sеx, sеx and more sеx.
My vаginа is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel.”
Her mother says,
“You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away…
Over 45 cents?”
Now that’s a Jewish mother!!!

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I knew it was a waste of money buying a top of the range sеx-doll for my twelve year old son, one with fully functioning аnus and mouth.
He seemed more interested in playing with the box.

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You ever had a friend that's only seen 'Star Wars' one time and they're OK with it? Or they've only been to Disneyland once, they're like, 'Yeah, I went when I was 10. I don't need to go again.' Those are the same people I have sеx with. I'm like, 'You know, if you tried again you might actually have a good time.' They're like, 'I'm good. Just go.'

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Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sеx when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten,” he said. “If you guess right, you win free sеx.”
“Okay,” agreed one of the guys, “I guess seven.”
“Sorry, I was thinking of eight,” replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
“Two!” said the second guy.
“Sorry, it’s three, said the attendant. “Come back and try again.”
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, “I think this contest is rigged.”
“No way,” said his buddy. “My wife won twice last week.”

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