Work Jokes, Office Jokes

This man was talking to himself. "I wish I could meet some really important people before I die...."
A man walked up to him and said,
"Hi, my name is Mike and I overheard you. I can help you because I know everybody on the planet who is alive today."
"No way, you must be pulling my leg. Let's go to Jane Hull so you can prove it to me," said the man.
So they go to Jane Hull's office, and when she notices Mike, they start to talk about how they were in kindergarten together.
"Okay, it could have been a coincidence that you were in kindergarten together. Let's go talk to the president!" said the man. So they took a jet to the White House where the President was having a press conference. When the President saw Mike, they started to talk about how they were in band together.
"Okay for your last test, let's go to the Pope!" said the man. So they took a jet to Rome and when they got there they went to a church were the Pope was giving a sermon. After the sermon, Mike walked up to the Pope and they shook hands and started to talk.
When Mike walked back over to the man, the man said,
"You know, I had a hard time believing you even after the Pope until a guy came up to me and said,
"Hey who is that standing next to Mike?!"

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My secretary just entered my office and said: ‘We got a letter again from our office in the Sahara. They’re writing that they have a very serious water shortage’
‘Well’, I said, ‘there’s always a water shortage there - it can’t be that urgent’
‘I think it’s urgent this time’, my secretary said, ‘the stamp is put on the envelope with a paperclip…’

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Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes

I bought some over-the-counter stuff called “BALD-NO-MOR.” The package said, “guaranteed to grow hair or double your money back.”
“Hey, this can’t miss,” I thought. Nothing has worked on my chrome dome in all these years and I’ll get back $59.98 for my investment of $29.99.”
So I followed the directions:
“Apply a generous helping of BALD-NO-MOR to your scalp, then vigorously rub it in with your fingertips.”
Hey, it worked!! I have the hairiest fingertips you ever saw.!!

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Masturbation jokes

Some people say the hardest job is marriage. Marriage is not a job; marriage is a hobby. Dating while you're married -- that's a job. I don't want to work that hard. I'm not looking for the overtime.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Arguing is totally different when you're married than when you're dating. I don't care how long you've been together before you get married, once you get married the whole arguing dynamic completely changes. 'Cause when you're just dating, you know one very important thing about the arguing situation: you know you can leave with your stuff. But when you're married, there's this little thing called commitment. That means you are working this out in a minute, in a month or when you surrender.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Bf: i made a lot of mistakes in my life and it seems like its not working out we really need to break up.
Gf: Yea and my mistake was dating you

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Office and Work Jokes Insult Jokes

A guy from India is in the U. S. for a few months when he gets very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. He finally goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor tells him to go home, take a sh1t in a рот, then stick his head over the рот and breathe it in for ten minutes.
The Indian goes back to the doctor and says, “It worked. Now I feel terrific. What was it?”
The doctor says, “You were homesick.”

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

An elderly lady and an orthopedic surgeon were travelling in an elevator together. The doors started to shut as the lady was trying to get out of the doors. The surgeon kindly put his head in between the doors so the lady could get out.
"Thank you very much," said the lady, "but why did you use your head?"
"I used my head because I need my hands for work," said the surgeon, grinning proudly.

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with тооl chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.” The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

I hate it when a girl tries to offer me a lame consolation prize. 'Cause girls will say things like, 'Oh, we're not going to have sеx, but I'll give you a hand job.' I have hands. They have the job. The position is filled. I don't need to outsource the work, alright? If you got a vаginа job for me, we can talk 'cause I am always hiring.

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

An ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam fifteen floors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. How did you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out.”

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Men jokes

I walked into a dentist’s office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, “I’m a moth.”
The dentist said, “You’re a moth?”
I said, “Yes! I’m a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I’m a moth!”
The dentist said, “Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist’s office. He’s two doors further down the hall.”
I said, “I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on.”

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Office and Work Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A security patrol officer in a senior gated community stopped an elderly gentleman in a speeding golf cart. "Sir, do you know your wife fell out of your golf cart when you hit that last speed bump?"
"Oh, that is wonderful officer", replied. "I am so relieved."
"Didn't you hear me? Your wife fell out of the cart!" the officer said in astonishment.
"You don't understand, I could not hear a thing for the last ten minutes... I thought I had gone deaf."

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Office and Work Jokes Old People Jokes

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you £800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands nакеd in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree..
Moral of the story:
Bull Shiт might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a соw came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of соw dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of соw dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh1t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”
The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”
“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”
“Every night at dinner time, she places a burnt offering before me.”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

I came home from work with a bouquet of roses. …
My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, “Have you done something wrong?” …
I said, “…Yes.” …
She said, “What is it?” …
I replied, “I bought an ungrateful вiтсh flowers.”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Once upon a time in willneverhappenville, there was a black guy who worked very hard, never stole and always took very good care of his kids... The End

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough...
I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of вееr (or ruм punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Internet Jokes

Yo Mama is so fат she works at her local cinema as a projection screen.

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Office and Work Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Раnтiеs are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it’s Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It’s Big Johnson giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes