Office and Work Jokes

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A fellow was boasting about what a good citizen he was and what a refined, disciplined lifestyle he led. "I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I don't cheat on my wife, I am early to bed and early to rise, I work hard all day, and attend religious services faithfully."
Very impressive, right? Then he added, "I've been like this for the last five years, but just you wait until they let me out of this place!"

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Just got fired from my job recently for concentrating too much. I work at an orange juice factory!

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I was haggling with a shopkeeper earlier.
I said, “Come on mate. You know how this works. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
He said, “Sir, I haven’t got all day. Do you want this backscratcher or not?”

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Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said,
"My son is such a sаinт. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said,
"Well, my son is a sаinт himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

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The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defence attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so “matter-of-fact” about the whole thing all during the trial.
“Mrs. Roth,” he began, “was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?”
“Well… yeah… I guess…” she replied.
“And when was that?” pressed the attorney.
“Well… when he asked for his third cup.” she said.

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I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"

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Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again!

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You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones. You read the obituaries to find eligible women. Old ladies offer to help you cross the street. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals. A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens. You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. All the names in your little black book end with MD.

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My laptop has been acting kind of buggy lately. I was working on it, and this thing popped up. It said:
'Windows encountered a critical flaw. Would you like to send an error report back to Microsoft?' And I clicked 'don't send'
'cause I ain't no f**king snitch.

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A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D. I. Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

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I got one of those talking dog collars for my chihuahua who I named 'Ding-Bat'. The collar is supposed to tell you what the dog is trying to say.
Ding-Bat would just glare at me and say "merk, merk". I sent the malfunctioning collar back for repair. After two weeks it came back to me in the mail with a note. “Dear Sir, your dog’s collar is in perfect working order. The problem is your dog cannot pronounce his J’s.”

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A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said,
"Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”

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Two mice met in the early nineteen-sixties, when manned flights in orbit were as yet in the planning stage. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, one said, “But you look worn out, Michael. What’s the matter?”
Michael shrugged his little shoulders and said, “Life isn’t easy for us scientists, you know. I’m in space research, and those experimental flights in rockets, with the weightlessness and the acceleration and the uncertainty of safe return - Well, it’s hard on one’s nerves.”
“In that case,” said his friend, “why don’t you quit and take a job in some other line of work?”
“That’s easy to say,” said Michael, “but stop and think - Is a job in cancer research any better?”

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A virgin girl gets married to a guy who is renowned for being particularly well endowed. She’s a bit nervous about the wedding night and explains this to her new husband. Being sympathetic he works out a way around this-he’ll show her his diск bit by bit.
So the wife’s lying in bed when she suddenly sees three inches of diск poking through the doorway. “are you sure your not nervous yet?” Her husband asks . “no I’m ok” she replies.
Another six inches of diск promptly comes through the doorway. “are you still ok?”
“yes im still ok” she replies.
When another six inches appears in the doorway she says “I’m still not nervous”
Ok her husband replies “then I’m coming up the stairs now!”

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My brother had a vasectomy a few years ago. Yeah, he found out the hard way it doesn't always work. And it can make your baby black.

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Everybody knew my father. He would come home; hoodlums are standing around. 'Hey, Mr. Morris, how was work today?'
'You motherf**kers wouldn't know, would you?'

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After a tiring day at work, a husband was able to sneak out an hour early. He just wanted to get home and lie down in bed next to his wife.
He gets home and slides into bed next to his sleeping wife. But then he hears a sound coming from underneath. He puts his hand under the bed, expecting to feel the wet nose or tongue of his dog Buddy. He asks, "Is that you, Buddy?"
His hand gets licked and then he hears, "Yes, it's me, Buddy."

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I never quite figured out why the sеxuаl urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE... One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were in bed together. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said,
"WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
Told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey."
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said,
"Really honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
My financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to кill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sеx tonight either.

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After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Peter was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10 percent of Peter’s wages to pay for the repairs. “How much will it cost?” asked Peter
“About $4,500,” said the owner.
“What a relief!” exclaimed Peter. “I’ve finally got job security!”

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Bob and Joe, two unemployed guys, are talking. Bob says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
Joe replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!” exclaimed Bob.
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?” asked Joe.
Bob answers, “Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I’ll stick it in his face until he backs down.”
“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?” counters Joe.
“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I’ll whip him and whip him until he backs down.” says Bob.
Again Joe questions, “Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”
“Well, then I’ll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him.” said Bob.
“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?” Joe adds.
Bob says, “Well, then I’ll pick up some of the shiт that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”
Joe obstinately asks, “Well, what if there ain’t no shiт in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then, huh?”
Bob smiles and says, “Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shiт on the bottom of that cage, you can dамn well bet on that!”

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