Relationship Jokes

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I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late.

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A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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"Does she have a boyfriend?"
"Yes, a cute, strong and clever one."
"What's the name?"
"John, Michael and Bill."

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An old football player was dying. So he called her wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?"
Her spouse said: "Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times:
1. Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team.
2. Do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times.
3. Do you remember during matching nobody of 30000 viewers didn't encourage you? I did something..."

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!

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If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.
There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fат kid.

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My ex-girlfriend loves the heat. She has a nostalgia for hеll.

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I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...

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"I'm sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night," I told my girlfriend. "I've spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me."
"Oh, that's really nice," she said. "What did you use to remove the stains?"
"Scissors," I replied.

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My girlfriend has incredible sеxuаl skills.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!

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My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sеx suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."

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Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

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Me: "Will you Remember me in a day?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "Will you remember me in a week?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "Will you remember me in a month?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "Will you remember me in a year?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "Ok, I have a joke.
Her: "Ok."
Me: "Knock, knock."
Her: "Who's there?"
Me: "You didn't remember me."

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I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.

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Q: What do you call a lеsвiаn with eight girlfriends?
A: An octopus.

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Half dressed redneck couple sitting on a couch watching the news on TV with man's arm around the woman.
The man says "Lookit them hомо-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution.
"We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. "
"Right, Darlin."
The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

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My girlfriend told me that will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!

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