Relationship Jokes

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Women have many faults, men only have two... everything they say and everything they do.

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When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're right it wasn't!" Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had, the ones we got from the hotel while we were on vacation."

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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife whilst in the bedroom.
Wife: What do you like best my face or my sеxy body?
Husband: Your sense of humor.

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Why do cannibals not like divorced women?
Because they’re bitter.

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My wife created a website earlier today to give advice to people who are victims of domestic abuse. She’s had 50 hits today already.

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Three Rules of Marriage to avoid disaster.
1. Never come home at 4am and ask for breakfast.
2. Never leave the toilet seat up.
3. Wife is never wrong.

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They say opposites attract, try telling that to my short ugly girlfriend.

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My wife hates sеx so much her favorite position is back to back.

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The only time I hear my wife say “I’m coming” is when I’m holding the elevator door.

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When you're first in love, you cannot sleep close enough to that person you're in love with. At the beginning of the relationship, you're like, 'Come here, honey. Let's stay like this forever.' A short five years later, my wife is laying on my arm for 10 seconds too long, I'm like, 'Owwww. Get off my arm, man.'

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I'm in a relationship right now, you know, crossing my fingers. The relationship is great; the sеx is great. My friends said, 'Whoa, you've had sеx out of wedlock?' I said, 'Oh no, she's married.'

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To get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple enjoyed spending weekends relaxing in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, their came up with a plan to assure themselves some privacy. When they set up camp, they placed this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance Agent. Ask about our term life package”

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If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

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Why are women like condoms?
The both spend about 90% of the time in your wallet and 10% of the time on your cock

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Wanting to have a quick love-making session, the couple told their 8-year-old son to go stand on the balcony with a popsicle and to report to them all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into action.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving... and Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sеx."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sеx?"
"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

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Can’t believe how кinкy my wife is, she loves it in the ear. Everytime I put it near her face she turns her head to the side.

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The following conversation took place between an unemployed husband and his wife.
Husband: Today I’m gonna take you out for a meal.
Wife: Wow, did you manage to find a job?
Husband: No, I lost the house playing poker.

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Threw a lemon into my friends face as a joke last week, he’s quite bitter about it.

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