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Relationship Jokes

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Q:What do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you?
A:Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.
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Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust."
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Since my wife left me I’ve been left with a really big gap to fill.. She was quite fат and we had a memory foam mattress.
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Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Me: Only you, I was too busy to sleep while shаgging the other women!
Wife: Right, pack your bags I want you out!
Me: That’s fine.
Wife: I hope you have a slow and painful death!
Me: I’m confused, does that mean you want me to stay now?
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Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?"
Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.
"So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"
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Can’t believe how weird my wife is. Every time we have a conversation she always starts with “Did you hear what I just said?”
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Why are men are like Ceramic Tiles?
Because if you lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
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My friend doesn’t trust me. I told him he could borrow my Microsoft Office 2003 but he said my word wasn’t good enough.
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My wife left me for a weather man. She’ll be мisт.
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Just got a really big response to my advert on the internet saying ‘Wife wanted’. In about 2hrs I had over 300 emails saying ‘you can have mine’.
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I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife at the dinner table.
Wife: Can I have $20’000 to get some вrеаsт implants to make them вiggеr.
Husband: Why don’t you just rub toilet paper on your niррlеs.
Wife: Does that really work?
Husband: Well it seems to have worked on your аss.
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Some people say love is the key to happiness but it’s a lie…
It’s вееr.
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The following conversation took place at the vets.
Man: Do you sell horse tranquilizers?
Vet: Why do you ask?
Man: My wife keeps waking up.
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I'm trying to plan a party for my girlfriend, but I can't seem to find any party hats, or a girlfriend.
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My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of coffee.
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Women have many faults, men only have two... everything they say and everything they do.
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When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're right it wasn't!" Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had, the ones we got from the hotel while we were on vacation."
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