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Relationship Jokes

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Q. How do you know if your wife is on drugs?
A. She suddenly becomes a pleasant person.
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Four words men hate during sеx.
“Is it in yet!”
Four words women hate during sеx.
“Hey honey I’m home!”
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My mom always used to say “If you haven’t got anything nice to say then you can go fuск yourself”.
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Why do brides wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the refrigerator.
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Brian and Dave were drinking down at the pub. Brian turned to his mate and said, “The thrill is gone from my marriage. What should I do?”
Dave thought for a moment and replied, “Why not add some spice and intrigue to your relationship by having an affair?”
“What if my вlооdy wife finds out?” Brian cried.
“Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel,” suggested Dave.
So Brian went home to his wife that evening and sat her down to have a talk. He said, “Honey, I love you very much but I think we’re sort of stuck in a rut. I think maybe if I have an affair, it will bring us closer together.”
“I doubt it,” she replied calmly. “I tried it last week and it didn’t fсuкing work.”
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My wife made me dress up as a policeman last night. I really didn’t feel like going into work but apparently my sergeant called and threatened disciplinary action if I didn’t turn up.
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While out for dinner with my girlfriend, she started one of those "let's be honest with each other" conversations women are good at.
"I want us to be totally honest with each other," she said. "I really wish you would change."
"No problem!" I replied. "How about I change into your ex-boyfriend?"
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Last night my girlfriend told me I have the body of a god. Unfortunately that God was Bhudda.
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Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P. S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.
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I have felt run-down for over a month, so I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I told him my symptoms: Listless, depressed, no girlfriend, no dates, frustrated, no goal in life. The only bright spot in my life was waking up with “morning wood.”
My doctor took notes and I gave his office a urinе sample and I went to the blood center to give a blood sample.
I just got a call from him. I have a common Hawaiian disease. He said the cure was to get myself into a steady relationship with an understanding girlfriend.
“What is that Hawaiian disease called, doc?” I asked.
“It’s called ‘Lackanookie’.”
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My girlfriend told me this morning she doesn’t trust me.
I guess that’s one more thing she has in common with my wife.
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Two magnets were having a conversation. "I went on a blind date yesterday"
"Oh really…how did it go?"
"Unfortunately, not so well."
"Why not?"
"There was no attraction."
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My wife is so selfish when we make love she screams out her own name.
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Желба The Wishing Well Το πηγάδι Marito e moglie stanno facendo un viaggio e si recano in un posto famoso per un pozzo dei desideri. Un marido y su mujer están paseando por el bosque y descubren un pozo de los deseos. El marido lanza una moneda y pide un deseo... cuando la mujer se estaba acercando A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over Ein Ehepaar steht an einem Wunschbrunnen. Der Mann beugt sich über den Rand Et ældre ægtepar kommer til en ønskebrønd. Manden kaster en 25-øre i og ønsker. Konen tager derefter også en 25-øre og skal til at kaste den i Um casal encontra um Poço dos Desejos. O homem se inclina na mureta e joga uma moeda. A mulher decide fazer o mesmo Marito e moglie stanno osservando il pozzo dei desideri..lei si sporge troppo e cade e lui: "Perbacco Marito e moglie durante un tour in Inghilterra trovano una ameno villaggio che si vanta di possedere un pozzo dei desideri tra le attrazioni turistiche. Quasi per gioco raggiungono il pozzo ed il... Pewien turysta wraz z żoną oglądają słynną studnię życzeń w Kornwalii. Oboje pogrążeni we własnych myślach. Po chwili żona wychyliła się Семейство пътувало и видяло "Кладенец на желанията!" Жената се надвесила и паднала My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well Aš buvau pritrenktas Per il decimo anniversario di matrimonio Een echtpaar staat bij een wensput. De man buigt zich voorover Moglie al marito: "Guarda un pozzo dei desideri! Andiamo a vedere" Si avvicinano per guardare e.. lei inciampa e cade giù Lui. "caxo
Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked.
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Last night my wife asked me to treat her like a princess so I bought her a Mercedes and drove her into a wall.
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Last night my wife told me she doesn’t like giving bl*wjobs because her jaw starts to hurt. Seems to work fine when she talks for hours on end.
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Why wife loves to role-play in bed. She usually pretends to be a coma patient.
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns a beautiful blue-green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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