Relationship Jokes

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(Modified from Rock-A-Bye Baby)
Hush-A-Bye Buddy
In our guest room,
It's been three weeks now
Are you leaving us soon?
We'll all miss your snoring
And carrying on,
But please won't you go back
To Boca Raton?

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The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nudе," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked,
"Dear, has there ever been any strange traditions in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

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3 reasons why my wife is like a freezer.
1. She never stops making a noise.
2. She can hold a lot of food inside her.
3. It can take hours of “defrosting” to make her wet.

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My dishwasher broke down the other day. Hopefully when I buy her some flowers tonight she will cheer up a bit.

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fuск cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:
Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angel’s gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we’re like six ваlls in cricket. OVER!
I’m leaving you on religious grounds. I’ve decided to become a Jew, and you’re a fuскing pig.

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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.
Wife: Would you still love me if I became fат and lost my looks.
Husband: What do you mean “if”?

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A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats, plus airfares, accommodations, etc. But he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She will be the one in the white dress.
Thanks for your help!

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I’m not saying my dad’s the jealous type, but we were never allowed to be вrеаsт fed…

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The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

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Warning to all men: women are using date rаре drugs called вlоwjовs to lure men into scams called relationships.

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I believe the right girl for me is out there, in some corner of the earth...
But unfortunately, the earth is round.

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Good news: I have a boyfriend. But the bad news is I'm not good in relationships. I get all jealous. I don't even like to see my boyfriend talking to his wife.

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Me and my parents have always had a difficult relationship. At dinner when we used to have alphabet spaghetti they used to spell ‘fuск off’ on my plate.

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Can’t believe how thirsty my Grandma is. Just drove past her house and she’s got about 10 pints of milk on her doorstep.

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A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches."
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hеll is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!"
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT,” hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE?!"

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My girlfriend asked me to take her to the zoo yesterday. I told her if they want to collect her they know where she lives.

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I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

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"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong! First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait. And then he said that I was reeling in too soon."
"That doesn't sound nice or relaxing."
"All that might have been all right, but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish."

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