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Relationship Jokes

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The following conversation took place between a couple during a marriage counseling session.
Councilor: Ok so to start things off name one thing you both have in common.
Husband: Well for starters we both hate suскing diск.
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My wife recently starting taking cooking lessons and last night she surprised me by making spaghetti puttanesca with freshly baked garlic bread. After we finished the meal she said “Now be brutally honest, what did you think?”. I said “That meal was incredible, you fат c*nt”.
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Girlfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure ваве!
Girlfriend: BAM! You're single.
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A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied, "That would be my husband's check book."
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Today is my 5th Wedding Anniversary and it’s been a total nightmare. On the plus side I’m now no longer scared of terrorism.
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After having a wife for 10 years I finally understand why the word gаy also means happy.
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My wife is never satisfied. Yesterday she complained that I never make bed in breakfast. Today she’s complaining because I put our bed in the kitchen.
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
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Can’t believe how quickly the batteries keep running out on my smoke alarm. Really need to get my wife some cooking lessons this Christmas.
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My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working​, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!
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Ben was complaining to his friend Ralph about his new girlfriend. "I think Tonya is a hoarder. I went over to her place for the first time yesterday andeverywhere I looked, there were magazines. Dozens of them, strewn around everywhere. People, Good Housekeeping, Readers Digest, TV Guide, Life, Time, Newsweek. You name it, she had it."
"I wouldn't go out with her anymore if I were you," said Ralph.
"Why not?"
"She has issues."
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Why does Usain Bolt suffer from relationship problems?
Because he always comes first.
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New Restroom signs:
Men to the LEFT!
Ladies to the RIGHT! (Easier to remember since they are always RIGHT!)
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My wife asked me to make her scream last night while we were in bed so I poked her in the eyes.
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A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”
The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”
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My house cleaner is really starting to become annoying. She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.
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Two girlfriends were talking to each other about relationships."I put an ad in one of those singles websites looking for a boyfriend."
"What kind of guy did you say you were looking for?"
"I wanted an ambitious guy who likes to dig in to get the job done and is really down to earth. I think I found him."
"So what does he do?"
"He's a grave digger."
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My girlfriends dad is so religious he wouldn’t let us sleep together which is a shame because he’s a really attractive man.
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