Relationship Jokes

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I heard women love a man in uniform so just got a job working at McDonalds.

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Who does the cooking in a lеsвiаn relationship?
Neither of them. The both eat-out.

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I never have any luck with women. The other day my girlfriend won a trip for 2 to Las Vegas, she went there twice on her own.

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Irony is when you get a text message from the wife saying “your an idiот”.

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I think I might be the most unlucky person in the world. Last night my wife told me she wants to have sеx on the back seat of her car, she was wondering if I could drive.

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Went to the hospital today to see a doctor because me and my wife have been struggling to have a baby. He told me I have a condition called ‘small соx’.

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My wife said she was going for a beauty sleep last night. I said “Ok, see you in 3 months time”.

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Behind every angry woman stands...
Stands a clueless man...
Who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

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The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Nancy finally said,
"Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said,
"I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."

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Three things that can make a man depressed.
1. Job Sucks
2. Bank balance sucks
3. Wife doesn’t suck

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I told my girlfriend, "The last thing I want to do is break up with you... I have about five things on my list before I get there."

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I've learned that being in a really committed relationship, it's about compromise, but it's also about knowing what you want and getting that out of it. Like, for instance, I've told her I can't go through with the wedding unless our song is 'The Monster Mash.' And that's gotten me out of a lot of planning I don't want to do.

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Ms. Frayed-end and Mr. Knot were having an argument about their relationship.
Ms. Frayed-end:
"Why don't you ever call me anymore?"
Mr. Knot:
"That goes both ways. You never call me either!"
Ms. Frayed-end:
"We're not supposed to do the calling. You are!"
Mr. Knot:
"Sez who? This is ridiculous. You get me so mad I'm fit to be tied!"
Ms. Frayed-end:
"Oh yeah? Well I'm at the end of my rope!"

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Can’t believe my wife. Tried to have sеx with her in the dark last night. I put my wiener into her hand and she “No thanks I don’t want to smoke.”

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Me and my wife are total opposites. She donates money to the homeless, I donate money to the торlеss.

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A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest in sεx. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sεxual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undiеs, and a slinky negligee.
She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
“Want some of this?” she purred.
“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.”

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Just recently ended a 5 year relationship. It’s OK though, it wasn’t my relationship.

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I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fат girl sitting down crying.

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