Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

Whiskey will turn you into Cinderella. You'll leave the house looking all fly and spend the night dancing away. But by the end of the night you're just a hot mess missing her shoe.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

To me, drinking responsively means don't spill it.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes

- A vоdка please.
- Sir, this is McDonald's
- Ok, A McVodka please

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Insult Jokes

- What's the difference between snowman and snow woman?
- Snowballs.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Lesbian jokes Sexist Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.
Shit! I got married?!?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A drunк man who smelled like вооzе sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunк muttered in response, "Well, I’ll be dамnеd," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunк answered, "I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes Wine jokes Priest Jokes

– Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life.
– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!
– Oh I know…

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “my wife.”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Peter comes very drunк home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

"I wasn't that drunк yesterday. "
"Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Good jokes

Say addicted after everything I say.
drugs.
"addicted"
alcohol.
"addicted"
What hit you in the face last night?
"A diск did"
hahahaha
"f**k you"

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School Jokes Insult Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks the bartender for a вееr, and one for the road.

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says:
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking вееr when suddenly Bubba says:
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of вееr and says:
"Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunк, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same " bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunк, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
- "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?! "

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes Management Jokes Boss Jokes

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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