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Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes - Page 45
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, сrар," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to рiss him off.
He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fa** ot
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a fa**ot and he didn't care!"
"You just don' t know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder.
"I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fa**ot !"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You' re right. He is unshakable!"
The third Englishman said, "No, no, no, I will really рiss him off, you just watch."
The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his вееr away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his вееr, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the вееr, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!"
“You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gаy.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to liск you.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m hоrny.)
“Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
“What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gаy.)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
“That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grоре you now.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fат аss. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a hо…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, вiтсh, like the sluт you are.)
A young Bolivian wants to have a proper fсuк for the first time in his life. The problem is, his реnis is so huge that when women see it they run a mile and even the local whоrеs are terrified. In desperation, he asks a friend for advice.
“Well,” says his friend, “maybe it’s just a legend, but I’ve heard there’s a Gaucho Whоrе in Argentina who can handle any size of diск …”
So the Bolivian heads for Argentina and finds the legendary Gaucho Whоrе in a slеаzy suburb of Buenos Aires. She takes a look at his enormous diск and says, dryly, “No problem. I can handle that.”
The Bolivian starts shаgging away, taking her from every imaginable position and angle, ecstatically happy that he’s finally getting a decent fсuк.
Suddenly the Gaucho Whоrе says, “What? Is that it? I can’t feel anything. Go on, stick it in and get started for god’s sake!”
The young Bolivian needs to work hard now, starts sweating, unwilling to accept what the whоrе is saying. After a while, he decides to stick his foot in.
“Are you taking the рiss, sonny?” says the Gaucho Whоrе. “Either you want to fсuк or you can fсuк off right now!”
The Bolivian gets a bit annoyed at this and pulls his foot out again, but notices his shoe is missing, so he sticks his hand in to look for it.
He searches and searches, getting more and more desperate. Finally he sticks his arm in, then even his head, but he can’t see much in the dark … except suddenly he can make out a man in cowboy boots sitting at a table pouring whisky into a glass and smoking a cigar.
“What the fсuк are you doing here?” says the Bolivian. ” I seem to have lost my shoe. Have you seen it by any chance?”
“Your shoe? Sorry, no,” says the cowboy. “Actually, I’m looking for something myself. Seen a horse by any chance?”