Dating jokes, Online dating jokes

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

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Dating Jokes

Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.

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Dating Jokes

Girl: What colour are my eyes?
Guy: 34C.

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Dating Jokes

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, “Lie back and relax. This won’t hurt a bit.”
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, “Do it over and over until you get it right.”
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, “Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.”

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30 Harsh Things a Woman Can Say to a Nакеd Man
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… a flash headache
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14.This explains your car.
15.Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunк first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

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Dating Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

My relationships with women have suскеd ever since I began dating and picking up вавеs. I met this gal in a bar Tuesday night and took her back to my apartment.
I was getting ready to shаg her and she started crying.
I said, “What’s wrong? Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

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Dating Jokes Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes

You can unfriend and block me on Facebook, unfollow me on Twitter, delete and block my number but you will NEVER unlick my вuттhоlе.

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Social Network Jokes Facebook Jokes Dating Jokes

I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.
Today is the only day when I can bring myself to tell my wife I love her.

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Valentine's Day Jokes Dating Jokes

The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.

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Dating Jokes Relationship Jokes

My ex texted me:
::
She: I can’t live without you
::
::
Me: …. Then die
::
The breakup/makeup flowers that didn’t work $25
The jewelry that didn’t work $200
The text: PRICELESS!

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Dating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”
“And you never вlооdy will if you don’t change your attitude.”

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Dating Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

My girlfriend told me all I could think about was sеx…
Fаnny she should say that!

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Sex Jokes Dating Jokes

Two years into our relationship, my girlfriend commented that she doesn’t think I’m committed.
“Of course I am, baby,” I assured her.
“Okay,” she smiled kissing me on the cheek, “make sure you call me in the morning.”
“I will,” I replied, pulling out my phone. “What’s your number?”

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Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes Grandparent Jokes

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she has slept with.
She said, “Six. What about you?”
I said, “None, I’m straight.”

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Men jokes Dating Jokes

“If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a воов job,” said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.
“Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a paint job for my Malibu,” I replied.
“Why would you waste your money fixing that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one,” she said.
“My point exactly.”

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Money jokes Dating Jokes

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife wearing a stained bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed,her fат hairy legs propped up on a pillow and munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent еrестiоn.
Looking down at this, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up fсuкing son of a вiтсh. Now I know why they call you a fсuкing рriск!”

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Jokes about Women Dating Jokes Fat Jokes Hotel Jokes

I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say ‘sorry ваве. I can’t come over tonight. I have to work. I’ll see you next week’
After I sent it I read it back and it said ‘Susan, I don’t see this relationship working. I am going to dump you in a public place next week. We won’t see each other until a night out in three months when we will have some drunken sеx and both feel horrible the morning after.’
I had fuскing predictive text on.

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Office and Work Jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes

Dave and Mike were sсrеwing the same girl at the same time and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their girlfriend is pregnant. Having no way of knowing who’s the father, they chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little ваsтаrd.
Several months passed without either of the two hearing from the girl, so Dave decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, Mike got a call from Dave. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” Dave said on the telephone.
“Well, give me the good news first,” replied Mike.
“The good news is that she’s fine, and she had twins,” came the reply.
“And the bad news?”
“Mine died.”

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News and Politics Jokes Dating Jokes

“Wow, you’re amazing!” she said after we made love. “With qualities like that, you must drive dozens of women crazy.”
“Not at all,” I said, “in fact I’m very choosy. I’m only into women I can really talk to, for example about politics, psychology, art, science, music, classical ballet … in a word, a woman has to be highly intelligent to land in my bed.”
She was obviously flattered: “So what impressed most you about me?”
“Your t*ts, of course.”

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Jokes about Women Political Jokes Science jokes Dating Jokes