Dating jokes, Online dating jokes

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

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Dating Jokes

Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.

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Dating Jokes

Girl: What colour are my eyes?
Guy: 34C.

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Dating Jokes

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, “Lie back and relax. This won’t hurt a bit.”
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, “Do it over and over until you get it right.”
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, “Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.”

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School Jokes Men jokes Nurse jokes Dating Jokes

30 Harsh Things a Woman Can Say to a Nакеd Man
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… a flash headache
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14.This explains your car.
15.Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunк first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Dating Jokes

My relationships with women have suскеd ever since I began dating and picking up вавеs. I met this gal in a bar Tuesday night and took her back to my apartment.
I was getting ready to shаg her and she started crying.
I said, “What’s wrong? Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

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Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes

You can unfriend and block me on Facebook, unfollow me on Twitter, delete and block my number but you will NEVER unlick my вuттhоlе.

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Social Network Jokes Facebook Jokes Dating Jokes

I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.
Today is the only day when I can bring myself to tell my wife I love her.

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Valentine's Day Jokes Dating Jokes

The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.

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Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes

My ex texted me:
::
She: I can’t live without you
::
::
Me: …. Then die
::
The breakup/makeup flowers that didn’t work $25
The jewelry that didn’t work $200
The text: PRICELESS!

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Office and Work Jokes Dating Jokes

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”
“And you never вlооdy will if you don’t change your attitude.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dating Jokes

My girlfriend told me all I could think about was sеx…
Fаnny she should say that!

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Sex Jokes Dating Jokes

Two years into our relationship, my girlfriend commented that she doesn’t think I’m committed.
“Of course I am, baby,” I assured her.
“Okay,” she smiled kissing me on the cheek, “make sure you call me in the morning.”
“I will,” I replied, pulling out my phone. “What’s your number?”

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Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes

Just kissing a girl on a night out is like buying a scratchcard and getting your money back…. Ye you’re getting something but it’s not what you want.

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Money jokes Dating Jokes

When I was 14, I wanted a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I wanted a girl with a zest for life.
When I was 19, I found a passionate girl, but she was too emotional, so I wanted a girl with some stability.
When I was 25, I found a stable girl, but she was too boring, so I wanted a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but she lacked direction and was too petty, so I wanted a girl with some ambition.
When I was 31, I found an ambitious girl, but she was so ambitious that she married me, divorced me, and took everything I owned.
Now I am 40, and all I want is a girl with big тiтs.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dating Jokes Boob Jokes

Y our honor, ” explained the young man, “I’d like to get married, please.”
“All right, what is your age?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And the age of the bride?”
“She’s 15, sir.”
“15??? That’s too young - marrying you would be against the law!”
“I see, ” said the young man. “Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dating Jokes

I really had to work on the one night stand I picked up at the pub Wednesday night.
I got her back to my pad and plied her with the better part of a handle (1.75 liter) of middle-shelf vоdка before she finally got weak in the knees.
You want to know how frigid she was?
Mind you, it’s August in Central Florida.
When I finally spread her legs, the furnace went on.

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dating Jokes

I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice.
“Just agree with what she says,” he said, “and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes.”
“Thanks, mate,” I said, before trotting off to the venue.
I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over…”Hi,” she said. “I’m going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than suскing соск and being fcuked up the аss.”
“Me too!” I replied.

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Blonde Jokes Dating Jokes

My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sеx with someone that wasn’t her, I said:
“Back in 08.”
It sounds much better than ‘August’.

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Sex Jokes Dating Jokes

For decades now, women have preferred to look like ten-year-old girls by applying bikini wax to their snатсh.
Unfortunately when they tear their Brillo Pad out by the roots, their snатсh often looks like a raw chicken that is fifteen days past the “sell-by” date but is still in the butcher’s display case.

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Jokes about Women Dating Jokes