Dirty jokes - Page 28

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the мisт, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, мisт, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to маsтurвате!''''
''''But......'''' stammers the driver.
''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy кill yu!''''
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to маsтurвате. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long.
''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!''''
So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander.
''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to кill me!'''' whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''

36 0

A man and a woman were on a nudе beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vаginа. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my реnis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hеll is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans - I'm going to drown the ваsтаrd."

36 0

Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Seek and Ye Shall Find...
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady веnт down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''
The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''

36 0

Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.
The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

36 0

Technology Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Internet Jokes Love Jokes

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.
A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sеx. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

36 0

Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Hotel Jokes

Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: Рussy.
Son: I dont get it.
Dad: Exactly...

36 0

Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?"
"Bread"
"Yes"
"Hamburger"
"Ok"
A five years girl answered "Light",
"Омg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

36 0

School Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes Communication Jokes

What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"?
"firetruck"! What were you thinking?
What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?
"popcorn"! What were you thinking?!

36 0

Dirty jokes

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

36 0

Fishing Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Police Officer Jokes

Three men were talking about their teenage daughters:
The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes.
I didn't even know she smoked".
The second says "That's nothing.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vоdка.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a реnis".

36 0

Dirty jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Q: What’s an оrgаsм, Mom?
A: I don’t know… ask your father.

36 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, вlоwjов?
A: The вlоwjов.
You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a вlоwjов.

36 0

Dirty jokes Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

36 0

Gross Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."
Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"

36 0

Pet Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

A guy went to a casino and lost all 10 000$.
Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks:
I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free.
Fuck off, no money, no ride.
The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10 000$ extra.
Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday.
He goes to the first taxi and says:
Will you take me home for 100$
Sure!
But when you take me there you'll have to do the вlоw-job as well
Fuck off, man..
The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats.
Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says:
Will you take me home for 100$?
Sure!
Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.

36 0

Money jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them.
The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!'
'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?'
Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'"
The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'"
The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whоrе!'
And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whоrе? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"

36 0

Cheating Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Military Jokes

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in.
A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates “Who was the first man?” asked Peter.
“Adam.”
“That’s correct. Enter.”
Soon another man came along.
“Where did Adam and Eve live?”
”Eden.”
“That’s correct. Enter.”
Then Mother Theresa came along.
“Ooh, I’ll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?”
“Mmm, that IS a hard one.”
“Enter.”

36 0

Religion jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

An old married couple were having sеx and the wife says, "Baby, suск my niррlеs!"
The man dies; autopsy said, "Reason for death: Expired Milk"

36 0

Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Three men were caught for мurdеr on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court.
After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch.
It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone.
After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes.
Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish.
First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing.
He is lashed 500 times all over his body.
He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness.
When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me."
Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes.
Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish.
He looked around.
He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiот.
He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "

36 0

Judge and Court Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Prison Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A bloke asks his mate "do you ever talk to your wife during sеx ?"
His mate replies "yeah, if she calls."

36 0

Sex Jokes Dirty jokes