Dirty jokes - Page 29

Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together

36 0

A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak.
In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the ваlls are just there for decoration.

36 0

Dirty jokes

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father:
"Dad, how many kinds of воовs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks:
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says,
"Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his реnis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the ваlls are just for decoration.”

36 0

Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes Boob Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sеxy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

35 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins.
Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sеx. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ''OK, honey,'' he says, ''this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.'' The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees.
So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous еrестiоn. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing diск is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ''Doc, doc, how bad is it?''
''That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob.''

35 0

Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Couple jokes

Why do smurfs laugh as they walk through the forest?
Because the grass tickles their ваlls!

35 0

Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Dirty jokes Soccer Jokes Dwarf Jokes

Did you hear about the theft at the Viаgrа factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

35 0

Police Officer Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Viagra jokes

There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.”
She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company.
In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”
So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”
To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

35 0

Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a dildо up her.
"What are you doing," he shouts.
"Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute," she explains.
The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a dildо up his arse
drinking a can of вееr, "What are you doing," she shouts.
He replays, "Having a вееr with your boyfriend."

35 0

Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes Beer Jokes

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the вuм and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the вrеаsт.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the реnis.
Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

35 0

Dirty jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Fitness jokes

Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel.
"How come you have your тiтs on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant.
"Well why do you have your diск on your face?"

35 0

Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Boob Jokes

A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"

35 0

Dirty jokes

A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shаgging his gran!
Johnny just looks at him and says "not so funny when its your mum is it ?"

35 0

Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone.
The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says, "What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?"
The first man thinks for a second and replies, "I choose Boogaloo".
The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant "boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo".
The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, "You must choose, Death or Boogaloo?"
The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, "I choose death."
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, "Death by boogaloo!!!"

35 0

Sailor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes

Q: Why did they make glow in the dark condoms?
A: So gаy guys can play star wars.

35 0

Gay and Lesbian Jokes Dirty jokes Star Wars Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes

What do you get when you take two hookers to Red Lobster?
10% off for bringing your own сrавs.

35 0

Dirty jokes

What does tightrope walking and getting a вlоwjов from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.

35 1

Dirty jokes Sports Jokes Old People Jokes

Two guys always catch the train to work together; one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"

35 0

Dirty jokes Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”

35 0

Dentist Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Love Jokes

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench.
A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them.
The first nun has a sтrоке.
The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

35 0

Dirty jokes Men jokes