Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said,
"Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said,
"But I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

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An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Dамn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sеx with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

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Animal Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three:
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to кill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rестuм, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rестuм and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rестuм should be the boss.
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the аsshоlе is usually in charge.

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Office and Work Jokes Insult Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Management Jokes Communication Jokes Boss Jokes

IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes School Jokes Superhero Jokes

Q: Who is brave?
A: He who has diarrhea and wants to fаrт!

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Fart Jokes

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Неll's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Coffee Jokes Cyclist Humor

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his sсrотuм was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's sсrотuм, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his sсrотuм should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

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Military Jokes Car and driving jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Boss Jokes

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going."One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question."Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

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Lawyer Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
"I have the solution for you," replied the doctor.
"Really, what is it?"
“Well, try getting up half an hour later."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A noted sеx therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sеx.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit.
"Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner.
When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

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Little Johnny Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

My late grandfather always told me: "When there is a wind in your belly вlоw it out gently you feel a real comfort then look at the other's faces to see what are their reactions."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Fart Jokes Grandparent Jokes

They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away...
Why stop there?
An onion a day will keep everybody away!

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"
Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to вlоw into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urinе sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.
I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunк to do that."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes