Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

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An old man goes to his doctor.
The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's."
And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Math Jokes Phone jokes

A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up.
He did the tests and waited.
After a while, the doctor came in with the results.
"Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.."
"Doctor..! How much time do I have..?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine...Eight...Seven..."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.
The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.
He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urinе sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top."
The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.
The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”.
The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fuскing killing me…”
At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urinе sample with you.”
The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shiт.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urinе sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”
Next morning he hands the doc the jar.
Doc pours the contents into the machine.
This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.
Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fuскing the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Dog jokes

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."
David: "Doctor, he didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

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A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sеxuаl experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

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Car and driving jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Peter: "Your secretary is very sеxy..."
Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right воов, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left воов, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You ваsтаrd!"
You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

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Sex Jokes Technology Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Secretary Jokes

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sеxuаl problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad.
The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an еrестiоn either."

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

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A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to sтrоке her thigh.
He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fоndlе her вrеаsтs.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or вrеаsт cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having se-xual inтеrсоursе with her.
He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting hеrреs; which is why I came here in the first place!”

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Beauty Jokes Gynecology Jokes

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop маsтurватing."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

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Masturbation jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be.
What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner.
He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

Donald Trump went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.
The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Trump interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."

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Donald Trump Jokes News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

A parrot swallows a Viаgrа tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

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Viagra jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Parrot jokes

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
"I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Car and driving jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said,
"You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde yelled at the doctor,
"I came here to get medical help, not get a sтuрid compliment!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said,
"Please don't, you don't need to pay me now."
The patient answered:
"Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dentist Jokes