Fat Jokes

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The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fсuкing treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fат, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease. Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and dоuсhе bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?” Well, once again, you did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an аsshоlе than he ever wanted to be. Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that. So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do: 1.) Build a time machine. 2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your аss. 3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it. I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you. If you were five years younger. So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fcuked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullsh1t and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fсuкing want you, now. Sincerely, A Recovering Nice Guy.
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1) Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-воnеd girl. She said:
“I think you’re fattist.” I said:
“No, I think you’ll find you’re fattest”.
2) If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
3) Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
4) When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
5) I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you реnis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
6) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
7) I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
8) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
9) I went up to the airport information desk. I said:
“How many airports are there in the world?”
10) When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
11) A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
12) I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire раеdорhilе, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
13) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
14) The reason old men use Viаgrа is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very, very ugly.
15) When someone close to you dies, move seats.
16) British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
17) Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.
18) Boxers don’t have sеx before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
19) I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
20) I’ve got a friend whose nickname is ‘shаggеr’. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
21) The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hеll of a salesman.
22) My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
23) Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn’t help thinking:
“Stop clicking your fingers”.
24) In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.
25) I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.
26) They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
27) My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sеx. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying:
“Can I have a new bike?” He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
28) If you tell a girl you like her but she says, “I love you more like a brother”, suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you’re from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
29) I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him:
“They’re like buses.” He said:
“What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?” I said:
“No, they are like buses!”
30) My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
31) I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
32) Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.
33) There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me :
“Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?
34) My father always used to say:
“What doesn’t кill you, makes you stronger”. Until the accident.
35) My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said:
“Alright, fatty?”
36) Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don’t live in New York City.
37) I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
38) I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
39) I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fат girl sitting down crying.
40) A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said:
“Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said:
“All right, but we won’t get much done”.
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