Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Golf jokes Boob Jokes

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning.
He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any nакеd photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fат old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
“Boy, go giт yo Momma….”

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

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Car and driving jokes Sports Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Wedding jokes Divorce Jokes

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hеll do you do it?"

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viаgrа for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it - my wife isn't."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Viagra jokes

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today."
She goes in and find him with his pants down.
"That's not a watch!" she says.
"It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to кill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to кill one chicken.
"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

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Kids Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."
Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.
The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."
Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

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Blonde Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes Genie jokes

A man gets the words 'I love you' tattoed to his реnis. He goes home and shows his wife. His wife says, "Don't try to put words into my mouth!"

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
‘Well honey...' said the slightly prudish parent,
"An Angel brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the angel brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the angel brought them too!" said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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Kids Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

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Irish jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Priest Jokes Cheating Jokes Priest Jokes

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
They lived hoppily ever after.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Easter Jokes