Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old вuggеr dig. I had him buried upside down!"

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Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Baby Jokes

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

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Relationship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What do you call a holy redneck with absolutely no family?
A: The Sole inвrеd.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Redneck jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Dad:
"Can I see your report card, son?"
Son:
"I don't have it."
Dad:
"Why?"
Son:
"I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

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Friendship Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child.
Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."

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Accountant Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”
“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards.
“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

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Business jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Little Johnny returns from school and says:
"Mam, in school we write dirтy swear-words so often!"
"But I hope you are not writing them, my son."
"No, I'm dictating them!"

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One bloke says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24!
What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

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Old People Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Wedding jokes Boss Jokes

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to have sеx for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina."
The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute тiтs."

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Relationship Jokes Boob Jokes

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the body?"

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Sick and Death Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Wedding jokes

A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying nакеd on the bed.
After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.
He rips open the blinds to find a nакеd man standing there.
"Who the hеll are you?" he yells.
The nакеd guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing nакеd?"
He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, I'm too late!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

What do you throw to a drowning black man?
The rest of his family.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

Who is the saddest grandma in the world?
Grandma of a vegan.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

What book do women like the most?
"Their husbands checkbook!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was:
“She was just lying there nакеd on the table, what was I supposed to do?”
The wife reply’s:
“Perform the fuскing autopsy!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A wife returns late at night back home.
"Where have you been?" asks her husband.
"With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men."
One day later the husband returns back home late.
"Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Things have reached crisis point in Beryl’s marriage.
‘If things are so bad,’ her friend advises her.
‘Then you should leave your husband.’
‘I would,’ says Beryl.
‘If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

Man to friend: ‘My wife’s a peach.’ Friend: ‘Because she’s so soft and juicy?’
Man: ‘No, because she has a heart of stone.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes