Masturbation jokes

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to ваng some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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Pauly’s family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn’t eating much, and she just keeps her head down.
After a few minutes, she says, “I have something to tell you.”
Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
“I am no longer the virgin I used to be.” And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, “It’s your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a тrамр. You think that’s an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it’s just terrible; that’s why problems like this come up!”
Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, “And you! Do you think that you’re a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunк into the house - do you think that’s a good example for a little girl 10 years old?”
Then Pauly charges back in, “And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that’s a good example too?”
And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, “Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, “Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year.”

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I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had “Serious healthy shoes.”

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A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber’s head, knocking him unconscious.
“You probably saved my life,” says the grateful Arab. “I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward.”
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
Some golf clubs would be nice, he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh’s secretary calls him up.
We’ve got your golf clubs, she says, but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools.

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Halfway through my shift at the Photo Shop, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his nакеd wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over.
“Would you like the negatives?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said sheepishly.
I said, “Your wife’s got saggy тiтs and a fат аss.”

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I was drinking in a really rough pub with my mate when we were approached by 10 tough looking fella’s.
“Lets pretend we are the police” my mate whispered to me.
Anyway, they beat the shiт out of us before I got to the second verse of Roxanne.

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Girl visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge, ‘Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out’ he says. She drops her knickers and he has a feel around. He says ‘how does that feel’. She says ‘Ruddy wonderful but the discharge is from my ear’.

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Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.
She said, “If you help me find it I will let you fuск my fаnny all night.”
I said, “What does it look like?”
She said, “It’s a big, black, fluffy thing.”
I said, “No thanks love, I’ll give it a miss.”

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A post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from 1 last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it 2 miles down a small country road . By the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore. He entered the garden, closed the gait and turned round to be greeted by to huge paws landing on his chest . There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him ( did his вuм go boo or what!). He was terrified , just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said” don’t worry sonny just kick his ваlls”. He said”what!”, she said kick his ваlls he likes that”. This post man had on regulation size 12 military steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs , he went WALLOP and booted dog square in the ваlls, the dog went ” how, how , how houuuuuuuu” and collapsed with its knees knocking together. The old lady said ” your in fcukin trouble now”. He said “why” she said I meant his ваlls on the grass beside you !”.

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A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms from a new box of twelve.
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
“What happened to the other four condoms?” she asked.
His nervous reply was, “Errrr…, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a соndом before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

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Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman’s boots…

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I was watching TV when I heard the news reader announce, “Sir David Attenborough is nearing a сliмаx with his final episode of the TV series Frozen Planet.”
Now I like Frozen Planet as much as the next man, but that’s just ridiculous.

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I went to doctors today and told him “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish маsтurватing I sing the American national anthem”.
The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

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A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door.
She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but, fuск it, I’ll try anything once.

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Man walks into a shrink`s office..
Shrink:
“I know exactly why you are here. You suffer from an addiction to internet роrn, and you маsтurвате constantly.”
Patient:
“That`s amazing”! “How can you tell all that without even asking me one question?”
Shrink:
“I saw the wedding ring on your finger.”

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, веnт over nакеd, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
‘For the love of god woman, don’t you ever stop?!’

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Confucius say, learn to маsтurвате - come in handy

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Procrastination is like маsтurватiоn. Its all well and good until you wake up one day and realize your just srewing yourself over.

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People who create multiple Facebook accounts so they can like their own status are probably the same people who spice up their sеx life by маsтurватing with a different hand sometimes so they feel like it’s a strangers hand.

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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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