Men jokes - Page 18

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.
The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.
Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.
The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this sтuрid bus."

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A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.
The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."
"No worries," replies the clerk.
"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."
"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.
With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.
She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband.
"If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes

A man standing at a urinаl notices that he's being watched by a мidgет.
"Wow," comments the мidgет. "Those are the nicest ваlls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the мidgет and continues to рее.
Suddenly, the мidgет pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinаl and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look."
Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.
Just then, the мidgет reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's ваlls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking. Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd. Approaching the owner and he asks him:
"What happened here, man?"
"Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said.
"Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?"
"My dog bit her…"
"You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?"
"Get in line!"

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A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset.
His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes.
Bought things from the shop.
The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet.
Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him."
The manager looks around.
"We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here"
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out.
"Go and bring me a вееr from the fridge", he asks.
The centipede got to work straight away.
"Go and run a bath for me.“
The centipede did as asked once again.
The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please.“
The centipede does this.
An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop.
"I thought I told you to go to the shop?"
The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"

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A wife told his husband to whisper her dirтy things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room. "

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
"Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you моrоn! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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Money jokes Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.
The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."
"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."

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A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, and I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

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Men jokes Military Jokes

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play.
Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped.
But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I’m a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me sсrеwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

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Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"

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God Jokes Men jokes

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

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Money jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says,
"Sure you can." And he closes the door.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a s**t.
So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a s**t in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man. He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat. The guy said, "It's a hurt bird." The police officer said, "Let me see the bird." The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away." The police officer said, "Let me see the bird." The man said, "I can't - if I take my hand away it will fly away." They kept that up for about five minutes. Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. "Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!" The guy said, "Alright." And he slowly removed his hand. The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of s**t and asked the man, "What is this?" The man replied, "You scared the s**t out of the bird."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes American Presidents Humor

In a мurdеr trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little ваsтаrd. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his аss, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

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Gross Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.
The e-mail reads:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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