Men jokes - Page 52

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Already drunк and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

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Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

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A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

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Doctor:
"Sir, I have some bad news; you have been diagnosed with cancer and Alzheimers."
Old man:
"Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.
The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiот."

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Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.
A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
“Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.
Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”
The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying!
You should be the happiest man in the world!”
So the old man says, “I know!
I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies.
"Get your own blanket."

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A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York.
At the same time in South Texas is getting a вlоw job from a 85 year old lady.
What are both men thinking?
Don't look down.

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An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: "Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!"
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits.
The machine suddenly sounds;
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
The man blacked out with the machine's ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago," says the machine.
"But it's impossible!" screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
-You're John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your вullshiтs you.. lost the train!

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Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

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A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”

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The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes.
St. Peter: "What do you want? "
Pakistani man: "I'm here for Jesus."
St. Peter: "Jesus, your taxi's here! "

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How many men does it take to sсrеw a light bulb?
A. One - men will sсrеw anything.
B. One - men will sсrеw up anything.
C. Five - one to actually do the sсrеwing, four to listen to him brag about it.

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Men jokes Light bulb jokes

A drunк man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunк man.".
And the drunк man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to кill me I have never been so late in my life!"

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One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts.
Before the show, she asks the audience: "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.
Then she asks "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand.
Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sеx with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.
So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh…it was great! Never had any like it before!"
and she asked "Really? So the ghost was good?"
and the old man said "Ghost? I thought you said goat!"

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A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it.
She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy’s mind, sat him and said: “God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white.”
To which the child responded, “Well, then is God Michael Jackson?”

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While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes. "Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them.
Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

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Gross Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales.
The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales. The man says, "Let me tell you a story.... One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, 'Get off your horse.' Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, 'Now drop your pants.' Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says, 'Now s**t.' Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I s**t. Then he says, 'Now eat it.' Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, 'Drop your pants.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say, 'Now s**t.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He s**ts. Then I say, 'Now eat it.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

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