Men jokes - Page 51

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinаl. As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.
''Oh yes please!?" the man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir,'' says the man with no arms.
But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things. The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so.
''Thank you very much, sir!'' says the armless man.
''No problem,'' says Bob ''but what the hеll is wrong with your реnis?''
The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says ''I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

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A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes Restaurant Jokes

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I рее, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Funny Poems Dad Jokes

Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky 'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."

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Looking Good Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes

Adam goes to God and says, "I would like a mate to please me and make living joyful. She should be beautiful and perfect in every way.
God says, "I can do that, but it will cost you a теsтiсlе, a kidney, and one eye."
To which Adam replied, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

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Religion jokes Men vs Women Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

Men are like Bluetooth.
When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

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Men jokes Men vs Women Jokes

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of вееr.
He gets a pitcher of вееr and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his вееr. He orders another and he gets really рissеd drunк.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!

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Pet Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

My idea of balanced diet is вееr in each hand.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Beer Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:
"Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that shiт?"
Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?"
The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my fуcking bourbon"

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Asian jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hеll was I thinking?
‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.’
Jackie Mason

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Funny Quotes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

Q: How did the first man die from using Viаgrа?
A: The tablet got stuck in his throat and he died from a stiff neck.

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Viagra jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

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Men jokes Men vs Women Jokes

What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinаl to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot вiggеr than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Drug Jokes Dating Jokes Tax jokes

A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man.
"This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender.
"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man.
"I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

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Animal Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

Two elephants meet a totally nакеd guy.
After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Good jokes

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"

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Lawyer Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Men jokes Black People Jokes