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The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” ….
“What is it, child?” ….
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sеx with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sеx with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my вuтт still hurts."
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he''''d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside
here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is
not President and doesn''''t reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I''''ve told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton
is not the President and doesn''''t reside here. Don''''t you
understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your
answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"See you tomorrow.
The Tomato Seller!
A man from another country came to the U.S. and learned three phrases.1.Only fifty cents2. Very, very fresh3. Not today, maybe tomorrow. A lady came to his tomato stand and said ''how much are these tomatos?'' The man said ''Only fifty cents''. Than she asked ''are they fresh?'' The man said ''Very, very fresh''. She then asked, ''Can I buy one?'' The man said, ''Not today maybe tomorrow.'' A thief comes and said ''I'm a thief how much money do you have?'' The Tomato Seller said, ''Only fifty cents''. The thief said, ''Are you being fresh with me?'' The Tomato seller said ''Very, very fresh''. The thief said ''Alright, that's it. I'm going to shoot you.'' The Tomato Seller said ''Not today maybe tomorrow!"The moral to this story is: If you go to a foreign country, learn as much of the language as possible!'