News and Politics Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
A medical student is driving home on a narrow country road in the middle of the night after his shift in the hospital.
The weather is terrible.
It's raining cats and dogs.
Suddenly a motorbike is screaming by with very high speed.
"Jesus Crhist! What an idiот! He will crash if he doesn't slow down!"
A few minutes later he spotted in his headlights on the side of the road the torn up motorbike against a big tree.
He stopped and quickly jumped out of his car to see in he can give first aid.
But it's to late.
The biker is already dead.
He looked around if there is anyone around. Nobody to see.
The student thouhgt "This is the oppertunity to finally obtain a real human eye!"
He always carryrna spoon and a glass eye in his pocket for an opperunity like this.
He quickly removes the left eye and places the glass eye in the socket.
One quick look around and he jumps in his car and races off.
The next morning when he wakes up he turned on the tv and watches the news.
It said:
"Biker found dead on country road with 2 glass eyes."
Medical and Doctor Jokes School Jokes News and Politics Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Cyclist Humor
Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes American Presidents Humor
News and Politics Jokes Technology Jokes Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Lawyer Jokes
News and Politics Jokes Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a рrоsтiтuте..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, Dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a рrоsтiтuте dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."
News and Politics Jokes
A few clues to being a true Louisianan:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4. You measure distance in minutes.
5. You know several people who have hit a deer.
6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.
13. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, or animal.
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, вееr, and Jell-O
salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You know what "соw tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
20. You think everyone from a вiggеr city has an accent.
21. You think sеxy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
23. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
24. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and
Christmas.
26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northern
Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth.
27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo
weather.
Blue Collar Jokes Sports Jokes School Jokes News and Politics Jokes Nationality Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Christmas Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes
THIS PRETTY MUCH DEFINES All OF MY FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK
1) The “Rooster” - Feels that it is his/her job to tell Facebook “Good Morning” every day.
2) The “Lurker” - never likes or comments on my post, but reads everything, and might make reference to my status if they…see me in public.
3) The “Hyena” - Doesn’t ever really say anything,just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) “Mr/Ms Popular” - Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.
5) The “Gamer” - Plays FarmVille, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY. (My wife)
6) The “Cynic” - Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The “Collector” - Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes a fаn of the most random stuff.
8) The “Promoter” - Always sends event invitations to things that I ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The “Liker” - Never actually says anything, but always clicks the “like” button.
10) “Drama Queen/ King” - This person always posts stuff like “I can’t believe this!”, or “They gonna make me snap today!”, in the hope that I will ask what happened, or what’s wrong…but then they never finish telling the story.
11) The “News” - Always updates me on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly….
12) The “Thief” - Steals my status updates… and will probably steal this one.. ….Which one are you??
Facebook Jokes News and Politics Jokes Friendship Jokes Internet Jokes