Old People Jokes

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"
The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."
"Depends on what?" he asks.
"On my bottom - where else?!"

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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.
While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice - except they won't let you fаrт."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Nurse jokes Fart Jokes

What has a hundred ваlls and fuскs old women?
Bingo!

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes

An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly.
After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking.
One said, “We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I’d highly recommend it.”
The second man said, “What’s the name of it?”
The first man thought and thought, then said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?”
“Oh, you mean a rose?” said the second man.
“Yes, that’s it,” said the first man.
Then he called to the kitchen, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.
And they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He’s a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me…" says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They вlоw up so fast, don’t they?"

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A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud.
Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down.
The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the torture by staying calm and noble.
The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude.
In fact, he gets worse.
Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane.
People got desperate.
Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk.
He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket.
He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear.
The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt.
The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement.
"Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered.
"I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."

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Yo mama so old she used a walker when Jesus was born.

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Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

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Yo mama so old she ran track with the dinosaurs.

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Yo Momma Jokes Old People Jokes Dinosaur jokes

A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly.
She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right.
One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs:
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are sсrеwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
'A pumpkin? Dамn...is it midnight already?'"

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A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups.
The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.
Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack.
He asked his wife if she wanted anything.
“Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?” she asked.
“Sure,” he replied.
“Do you think you should write that down to remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember that,” he said.
“I’d like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?” she said.
“No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries,” he said, becoming a little irritated.
“I’d like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down,” she said.
“For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don’t need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream,” he said, now more than a little irritated.
Off he went to the kitchen.
About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife stared at it for a moment and said, “Where’s my toast?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

My grandmother used to tell us a joke.
She'd say "Knock knock."
We'd say "Who's there?".
Then she'd say "I can't remember" and start to cry.

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Knock-knock jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”
He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

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Yo' Mama is so old, she went to an antique shop, and they kept her.

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Yo Momma Jokes Insult Jokes Old People Jokes

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go.
The first little old lady had a sтrоке, the second little old lady also had a sтrоке, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.

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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

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My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinаl to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot вiggеr than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

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You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.

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Old People Jokes Business jokes

Doctor:
"Sir, I have some bad news; you have been diagnosed with cancer and Alzheimers."
Old man:
"Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

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