Relationship Jokes

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount."
"Okay, I wish for a billion dollars."
"Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars."
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything."
"Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

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Relationship Jokes

We live in a society where the relationship status on Facebook is more official than a wedding ring.

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Facebook Jokes One-Liner Jokes Relationship Jokes

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her раnтiеs and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your раnтiеs,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes Single People Jokes

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sеx life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sеx."
"Social Security sеx?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

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Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Wedding jokes Priest Jokes Relationship Jokes Beauty Jokes Priest Jokes

Two years into our relationship, my girlfriend commented that she doesn’t think I’m committed.
“Of course I am, baby,” I assured her.
“Okay,” she smiled kissing me on the cheek, “make sure you call me in the morning.”
“I will,” I replied, pulling out my phone. “What’s your number?”

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Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sеx with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says,
"You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says,
"I wasn't talking to you."

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Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?"
"Surprise," says the old man and hands her a sеxy tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening. Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely nudе and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says,
"For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."

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Money jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says,
"That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

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Relationship Jokes

A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?" She replies,
"Let's run upstairs and make love." He turns to her and says,
"Well make up your mind, we can't do both!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that вrа?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

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Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Relationship Jokes

What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there's a lot of blowing and suскing, and in the end someone loses a house.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

Boyfriend:
"Ily."
Girlfriend:
"Can you please say the words? It makes it better."
Boyfriend:
"I'm leaving you."

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Relationship Jokes

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government."
"Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

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Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says,
"This is the first time that I know where my husband is going."

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Relationship Jokes

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a вееr. The man says,
"I love you." The woman says,
"Is that you talking or the вееr talking?" The man says,
"That's me talking to the вееr!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Relationship Jokes

A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. “Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunк.”

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