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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "вiтсh" and the women called the man a "ваsтаrd".
Their son walked in and said, "What does вiтсh and ваsтаrd mean?" and the parents replied, "Ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sеx, the women said, "Feel my тiттiеs" and the man said, "Feel my d*ck".
Their son walked in and asked, "What does тiттiеs and d*ck mean?" and the parents replied, "Hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself. "Shiт," he said. The kid came in and asked, "What's that mean?" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F*ck" she said. Once again the kid asked, "What's that mean?" The mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door веll rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said, "Alright you вiтсhеs and ваsтаrds, put your d*cks and тiттiеs in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shiт off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!"
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sеx. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.
The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".
The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sеx for a week".
The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sеx for a whole year!"
The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sеx for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies.
"I don't have time for sеx. But a talking frog is pretty neat."