Car and driving jokes

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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Car and driving jokes
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.
After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of раnтiеs at the same time.
The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.
The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the раnтiеs.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to вlоw on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love,
Honey Bear
P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.
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An Atheist dies in a car crash and wakes up in a big dark room with a sign above a single door: "Welcome to Неll!"
"Shiт! So the Shavelings were right after all!" the Atheist thinks, opens the door – and is stunned by the view!
A marvelous beach!
Crystal blue water, white sand, palm trees, the sun is shining and all around there are people laughing, having fun and listening to happy music or enjoying excellent food and drinks.rnLucifer, dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt, greets the Atheist, hands him a fantastic- looking cocktail and says cheerfully:
"Hey! Welcome to Неll. Have a drink, have a snack. Take a look around and enjoy yourself! See you later!"
Totally speechless at first, the Atheist finally starts to take a look around, is greeted everywhere, listens to people´s stories about their mortal lives and takes a stroll down the beach.
After a few minutes into the walk, he starts hearing cries of pain, wailing, shouts, and screams and decides to follow that noises.
Finally, the Atheist arrives at the rim of a big, black hole, takes a look down and is scared to the воnе!
Down there, the place is all fire, sulfur, brimstone!
Rivers of lava, gnarled trees, and among it all the lost souls, being tormented forever by demons and devils.
"Whoa! Take it easy!"
Lucifer jumps right in to prevent the Atheist from falling into that pit and he stumbles backward, drops into the sand and stammers:
"Wha... what the НЕLL is that place?"
Lucifer looks down, shrugs and says: "Oh, that´s the Catholic´s department. They want it that way."
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Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.
The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
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Кара един по магистралата 180 - 200 заедно с други "състезатели". По едно време го спира полицай, пише му акт, дава му за подпис и понечва да си тръгне, но мъжът го спира: - Полицай, знам, че...
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Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," replied Buffie. Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the get away car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie. She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiот!" snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said, 'Tie up the GUARD and вlоw the SAFE!'"
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When I have a car, I'll keep it really clean. My car:
Когато имам кола, ще я държа много чиста. Моята кола: Кога ќе имам кола, ќе ја чувам многу чиста. Мојата кола: Cuando tenga carro, lo voy a traer bien limpio. Mi carro: Когда у меня будет машина, я буду держать её очень чистой. Моя машина: Wenn ich ein Auto habe, halte ich es richtig sauber. Mein Auto: Quand j'aurai une voiture, je la garderai super propre. Ma voiture : Όταν αποκτήσω αυτοκίνητο, θα το κρατάω πεντακάθαρο. Το αυτοκίνητό μου: Quando avrò una macchina, la terrò sempre pulitissima. La mia macchina: Arabam olunca onu tertemiz tutacağım. Benim araba: Коли в мене буде машина, я триматиму її дуже чистою. Моя машина: Quando eu tiver um carro, vou deixar ele bem limpinho. Meu carro: Jak będę miał samochód, będę go trzymał super czystego. Mój samochód: När jag har en bil ska jag hålla den riktigt ren. Min bil: Als ik een auto heb, houd ik hem echt goed schoon. Mijn auto: Når jeg får en bil, vil jeg holde den helt ren. Min bil: Når jeg får bil, skal jeg holde den skikkelig ren. Bilen min: Kun minulla on auto, pidän sen todella puhtaana. Minun autoni: Ha lesz autóm, nagyon tisztán fogom tartani. Az autóm: Când o să am mașină, o s-o țin foarte curată. Mașina mea: Až budu mít auto, budu ho udržovat fakt čisté. Moje auto: Kai turėsiu automobilį, laikysiu jį labai švarų. Mano automobilis: Kad man būs mašīna, es to turēšu ļoti tīru. Mana mašīna: Kad budem imao auto, držat ću ga jako čistim. Moj auto:
Car and driving jokes