Superhero Jokes

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1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fаn, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fаn as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fаn can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fаn.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Kids Jokes Dog jokes Restaurant Jokes Superhero Jokes
Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenlyclaims it's a MAC. Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week. Wооdy Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns ona daughter card. NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away. Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities. Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information. Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right. Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremelyslow while searching and compiling results. Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything. Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs. Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup. Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files. Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it. David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was inand never works again. Рее Wee Herman virus: Exposes yourconfidential files to everyone. X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting. Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
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Лекар шашнат разглежда ярко оранжевия член на пациента си: Γαριδάκια Доктор осматривает оранжевый член пациента: Un tío va al médico porque tiene la picha de color naranja: Komt 'n man bij de dokter, en zegt: "Dokter, ik heb een probleem." Zegt de dokter: "Wat is er dan?" Zegt de man: "Nou, het zit zo... Ik heb een oranje lul". Dokter: "Oh wat vreemd, en u weet zelf... Doktor - "Doktor doktor! Hjælp mig min pik er blevet helt orange!" - "Jamen dog, hvad har du dog lavet i weekenden?" - "Ikke en skid! Set pornofilm og spist ostepops!" Przyszedł bardzo zakłopotany facet do lekarza: - Panie doktorze, mam pomarańczowe prącie! Nie wiem co robić - powiedział. Zszokowany lekarz obejrzał narząd i powiedział: - To bardzo dziwny... O cara vai ao médico. — Doutor, eu estou com um problema... — Pode dizer meu senhor, sinta-se à vontade. — Sabe o que é doutor? — Pode dizer amigo, ficará entre nós. — É que eu estou com o pênis... Er komt een man bij de dokter en zegt: "Dokter ik heb een vervelend probleem." Hij trekt zijn broek en onderbroek naar beneden en laat zijn 'oranje' lul zien. Vraagt de dokter: "Wat voor werk doet... Er komt een man bij de dokter en zegt: "Dokter ik ben erg ongerust want mijn lul is helemaal oranje." "Ja" , zegt de dokter: "Dat is inderdaad een merkwaardig gegeven, laat maar eens zien." De man... En mann går til legen og forteller at penisen har blitt oransje. Doktoren ser på den, og sier: "Jeg har aldri sett noe lignende før i hele min medisinske karriere. Hva jobber du med? Jobber du med...
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I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it.
On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping."
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos-- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer BreadPudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning:May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or gеniтаls."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Ok, So superman was flying around on day after he had saved the world.
"Man that was hard work, Now I need to relax and fuск a b*tch."
And so he went to the batcave.
He walked over to batman and asked, "You know any hoes that just want to have s*x?"
Batman looked and replied, "Well I heard superwomen wants to have s*x."
Superman looked at him and shook his head,"Well superwomen wants to have SЕX with EVERYONE."
So intern he goes to robin, "Look robin I know your gаy and all but do you know any hoes that want to f*ck."
Robin replies, "Well I heard superwomens pretty good."
Superman looks and says,"Well EVERYONE hears superwomen is good."
Pissed superman flies off.
While hes flying he passes over a field.
He looks down and sees superwomen completely nакеd with her legs spread.
Superman thinks to himself, "I can get in and out in faster than a speeding bullet."
So he flies down gets in and gets out faster than a bullet.
Back in the field superwomen looks around and says, "What the fuск was that?"
and invisible man says, "I don't know but my аss hurts."
Супермен бил много отегчен - омръзнало му да се бори непрекъснато с престъпниците. летит супермен, вдруг видит на земле лежит красная шапочкаполностью... Ο Σούπερμαν Кога на Супермен му е досадно летит супермэн над нью-йорком. видит - на крыше лежит чудо-женщина. голая. раздвинув ноги. закрыв... Superman rencontre Batman : Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman survole la ville et aperçoit sur un balcon Wonder Woman, nue, les jambes écartées, en train de bronzer. Είναι ο Superman και θέλει απεγνωσμένα να κάνει σεξ. Superman stava sorvolando la terra alla velocità della luce. Improvvisamente vide Wonder Woman che giaceva distesa su una spiaggia deserta, nuda, con le gambe spalancate e la passerina in bella evidenza che trasudava piacere. Colto da tale miraggio decise che non poteva lasciarsi sfuggire... Superman was flying around Metropolis when he noticed Wonder Woman lying totally naked, spread-eagle on her bed. He thought, "Hmm... I could fly through that open window and be in and out before she even knew what hit her!" With nothing more than a rustle of the curtains, Superman was on his... Superman est accoudé au comptoir du café du coin, pensif et surtout gêné. Batman passant par-là vient à sa rencontre. - Alors ça va superman ? - Oh non ! Tu ne devineras jamais ce qui m'est arrivé ! - Racontes... - Je survolais New York avec ma belle cape bleue, quand soudain en haut de... En kväll var stålmannen sugen på att gå ut och festa, men varken Läderlappen, Fantomen eller Spindelmannen kunde följa med. Stålmannen tog då en flygtur och kom snart till Superkvinnans hus. Med sin röntgensyn upptäckte han att Superkvinnan låg naken i sängen med benen brett isär. Om jag är... C'est superman qui vole au dessus de Metropolis. Là, il aperçoit Wonderwoman en train de bronzer nue, les jambes écartées et toute en sueur sur la terrasse d'un gratte ciel. Superman se dit:... Op een mooie dag heeft Superman genoeg van al dat mensen redden en is botweg retegeil! Lois Lane zit weer eens verwikkeld in een druk interview, dus daar kan Superman ook niets mee aanvangen. En... super kahramanlarin katildigi buyuk toplantiya katilmasi gereken superman toplantiya 1 saat gec kalmis. ve toplanti odasina girdiginde de hali perisanmis. batman sormus: - hey, superman, ne oldu... Un día estaba SUPERMAN volando alrededor de la guarida de los justicieros, y ve a la MUJER MARAVILLA desnuda a 4 patas gozando en el suelo, se calienta Superman saca el cañón y emprende un vuelo... Estaba Superman super caliente volando por el cielo necesitado, cuando vio a la Mujer Maravilla tomando el sol en la terraza totalmente desnuda y con las piernas abiertas. Superman pensó: – Esta es... Superman was bored and wanted to go out, he called all his super friends but they were all busy. He even calls Louis but it’s her time of the month. He flies to the liquor store and buy some beer... Teräsmies lenteli taivaalla ja näki kerrostalon katolla ihmenaisen ilkialastomana ottamassa aurinkoa. Teräsmies ajatteli: ”Mitäs jos kävisisin vetämässä pikaiset, ei ihmenainen huomaisi mitään”... C’est Superman qui rencontre Batman. Il raconte : - L’autre soir, je survolais l’océan à la recherche de marins à sauver des eaux, enfin quoi, la routine. Tout à coup, sur une plage d’une île du... Superman meséli: - Te Batman, képzeld, ahogy repülök, meglátom a Macskanőt egy tetőn, amint széttárt lábakkal meztelenül fekszik egy matracon, és kéjesen vonaglik. Annyira megkívántam, hogy... Superman és Batman mesélik egymásnak kalandjainkat. Mondja Superman: - Múltkor, ahogy repülök a Central Park felett, látom, ahogy egy gyönyörű barna nő szétterpesztett lábakkal élvezkedik a füvön.... Летит как-то Бэтмен, видит - на крыше небоскреба лежит голая Белоснежка и тащится. Бэтмен расстегивает на лету ширинку, пикирует, падает на Белоснежку, делает свое дело и улетает. Белоснежка была в... Superman wil effe lekker los. Dus hij belt de man van zes miljoen en zegt: "Hee lullo ga je mee zuipen?" Waarop het antwoord is: "Nee, ik moet m'n vliegen nog voeren." Superman: "Ok, dan bel ik... Cica era odata Superman si zbura deasupra unui zgarie-nori. La un moment dat o vede pe Femeia-Fantastica intinsa pe un bloc exact in pozitie,cu picioarele desfacute. Superman excitat sta si se... Teräsmies oli eräänä kauniina päivänä lentelemässä ihan vaan huvin vuoksi. Yhtäkkiä hän huomasi ihailemansa Kissanaisen ilkosillaan haarat levällään erään rakennuksen katolla. Nyt täytyy käyttää... Superhelte Supermand har haft en hård dag og beslutter derfor at samle nogle af vennerne og smutte ned på den lokale bar og få et par øl. Han ringer til Batman, men Batman siger: "Jeg er for træt,...
Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Superhero Jokes
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
Офицер от отдела за борба с наркотиците отива в една ферма Офицер из Управления по борьбе с незаконным оборотом наркотиков приехал на ферму и потребовал показать ему поля на предмет выращивания там наркосодержащих растений. Un jour, un officier de police se pointe dans une ferme et déclare au fermier qu'il a besoin d'inspecter les lieux pour vérifier qu'aucune drogue n'y est cultivée. Le fermier est d'accord mais précise qu'il ne faut pas se rendre sur un terrain situé derrière le bâtiment. L'officier en colère lui... Um oficial do DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) vai a uma fazenda, no Texas e diz ao dono, um velho fazendeiro: — Preciso inspecionar sua fazenda por plantação ilegal de maconha! O fazendeiro responde: — Ok, mas não vá naquele campo ali — diz, apontando para uma área cercada. O oficial,... Ein Bauer erhält Besuch von der Polizei. Polizist: "Wir haben einen anonymen Tipp bekommen, dass Sie illegale Pflanzen züchten und müssen nun Ihren Bauernhof durchsuchen." Der Bauer, der nichts zu... Een rechercheur stopte bij een boerderij ergens in Overijssel en sprak met een oude boer. Hij zei tegen de boer: "ik moet de boerderij inspecteren op illegaal verbouwde wiet" De boer zei: "Ok, maar...
Animal Jokes Office and Work Jokes Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes Superhero Jokes
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety.
She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
Los barcos y el naufrago pidiendo ayuda πιστη στο θεο Θεϊκή παρέμβαση There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled: Un curé qui se promène dans la nature est pris dans les sables mouvants. Alors qu'il s'enfonce jusqu'au aux chevilles, un camion de pompiers passe par là. Един човек бил много вярващ. Уповавал се на Бог за всичко. В селото, в което живеел, завалял проливен дъжд. Реката придошла, излязла от коритото си и заляла улиците. Хората започнали да се спасяват кой както може! Само вярващия човек седял пред прага на къщата си и си повтарял: "Бог ще ми... Станало голямо наводнение. Водата започнала да нахлува в сградите. В една къща набожен човек стоял се молел на Господ да го спаси. Водата стигнала до първия етаж. Докато човекът се молел, покрай къщата му минал друг човек с лодка и му викнал: - Качвай се в лодката и да се спасяваме! Набожният... Un curé est en train de se noyer au milieu d'un fleuve. Par chance, il passe une péniche qui lui envoie une corde : "Accrochez vous, mon père!" lui lance le batelier. Le curé répond "je vous remercie mon, fils, mais je fais confiance à Dieu pour me sauver". Le curé est toujours en train de se... Ein Mann wurde ins freie Meer geworfen. Kommt ein Boot vorbei. Kapitän: "Soll ich dich retten?" Mann: "Nein, Gott wird mir schon helfen!" Nach einer Weile kommt ein weiteres Boot. Kapitän: "Soll... Rencontre avec Dieu Un homme veut mourir en s'enfonçant dans les sables mouvants, mais des pompiers viennent le chercher : "Monsieur, nous allons vous tirer de là." "Non, je veux que Dieu me... Uma pequena cidade do interior estava enfrentando uma enchente, cada vez mais o nível do rio estava subindo, então resolveram evacuar a cidade. Levaram toda a população embora, menos o padre que... so theres this christian man and hes on top of his roof, because hes getting floded, the water is up to his ankles, and he prays to god. man: please god, please can you save me. ten minuets later a... A man was drowning and asked God to help him. A boat came by wanting to help the man. The man refused and said that God would save him. The man drowned and went to heaven. He asked God why... A priest is drowning in a river… A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.” The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said... Er was eens een man die het oerwoud in wilde. Dus ging hij op een dag het oerwoud in. Toen hij daar eindelijk aangekomen was, bleef hij vastzitten in het drijfzand. Hij zei: "Geen paniek, God helpt... Powódź w prowincjonalnym miasteczku. Ewakuacja ludności. Wojsko puka do kaplicy: - Proszę księdza, niech ksiądz ucieka! Ksiądz się utopi! - Nigdzie nie idę, wierzę w Opatrzność Boską. Po trzech... Det var en gång två män som hette Frank och Peter.. En dag så blev det Översvämmning och deras vägar var dränkta.. Så kom Peter med en kanot till Franks hus och sa - Kom ut därifrån du kommer... Een man staat tot z'n knieen in het water, komt er een speetboot aan en stopt even om de man uit het water te halen. Zegt de man in het water: "Nee, dat hoeft niet want god komt mij redden." Poosje... C'est un croyant qui est dans le sable mouvant:il en a jusqu'aux genoux les pompiers viennent il dit "Dieu va me sauver". Il en a jusqu'au torse les pompiers reviennent, il dit "Dieu va me sauver".... Un calugarul cade in mare. Apare imediat o barca cu salvamari: - Va simtiti bine? Aveti nevoie de ajutor?! - Nuu! Dumnezeu ma va salva el pe mine... Mai inghite calugarul niste apa ... Si mai vine... C'est un curé qui est en train de se noyer dans un lac. Les pompiers arrivent et veulent le sauver mais le curé dit "Dieu me sauvera". Donc les pompiers rentre a la caserne mais leur chef  les... Habia un hombre que se cayo al mar y se estaba ahogando aparece un barco y le dice dale subi y el hombre dice no a mi me va a salvar dios aparece otro barco y le dice lo mismo y el hombre dice no a... Egy pap fuldoklik a folyóban. Arra megy egy gátőr és felé nyújt egy hosszú rudat. - Fogja meg, kihúzom! - Nem, köszönöm, az Isten majd segít! - Fogja már meg, kihúzom!- erősködik a gátőr. - Hagyja... En präst håller på att drunkna i havet och en båt kör förbi. De på båten frågar: - Vill du ha hjälp? Prästen svarar: - Nej tack, Gud kommer att rädda mig. Båten kör förbi och efter ett tack kör en... Un cura seva ala selva y caen en arenas mobedizas biene un bombero y le dice señor necesita ayuda no¡ dios me salbara.... luego viene otro vombero i le dice señor neesita ayuda i dice no¡ dios me... A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says, "I have faith, God will save me." The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue...
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Quand Bruce Banner devient fou, il se transforme en Hulk. Quand Hulk devient fou, il se transforme en Chuck Norris. Wenn Bruce Banner wütend ist, wird er zum Hulk. Wenn der Hulk wütend ist, wird er zu Chuck Norris. Když se Bruce Banner rozzuří, změní se v Hulka. Když se Hulk rozzuří, změní se v Chucka Norrise. Όταν ο Μπρους Μπάννερ τσαντίζεται, μετατρέπεται σε Χαλκ. Όταν ο Χαλκ τσαντίζεται, μετατρέπεται σε Τσακ Νόρις.
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Преди много години, Чък Норис и Супермен се хванали на бас, кой от двамата е по-силен. Un jour, Superman a fait un bras de fer avec Chuck Norris. Résultat : Superman a perdu. Depuis, il porte un slip au-dessus du pantalon. Chuck Norris ja Teräsmies löivät kerran vetoa. Häviäjän pitää loppuikänsä pitää alushousuja housujen päällä. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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