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When you're stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. MIND= BLOWN!

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Jokes about Women

To get the bus to Hogwarts, please run directly at this sign

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Harry Potter Jokes

They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things:
'The salt was low.' 'Pick up bread. We be back.' Grease all over my stove - they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.

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Food Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Q: What's it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?
A: Веsтiаliтy.

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Animal Jokes Military Jokes

My mother came to the door; 'Lance, get your аss in the house!
' I said, 'Oh, Ma, I don't feel like coming in the house!' I didn't even see where the skillet came from. I just staggered into the house. It wasn't even the right house, it was just the first house with the door open.

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Jokes

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

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Dark Humor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a сrар in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sеx with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is sсrеwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Sex Jokes Student jokes Dad Jokes

When you were in the gang then , you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough.
Someone started talking about fighting - 'No, man, I've got to go home.'

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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunк."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

I did so much сrаск, one day I broke in my own house.
I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, 'Dамn, this brother will never come home!'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
A: Because Donald ducked.

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Jokes

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chickeneggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of вееr, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of вееr. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Military Jokes Dad Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying ваsтаrd!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying ваsтаrd for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a тооl when I needed to borrow one?"

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Men jokes Judge and Court Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.

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Gross Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Baby Jokes Dead baby jokes

Q: Which part of the military do babies join?
A: The infantry.

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Military Jokes Baby Jokes

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

I love rednecks.
I have a heart of a redneck - in a jar.

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Blue Collar Jokes Redneck jokes

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sеx?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

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Sex Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?
A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

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Blonde Jokes

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