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Boy aged 4: - Dad, I've decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she's the best cook & story teller in the whole world!!
Dad: That's nice, but we have a small problem there!!
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!!
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!!!!

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Kids Jokes

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.
It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor head.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'.
Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sеx with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sеx. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sеx. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sеx this time but maybe next time". Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sеx. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sеx this time". As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sеx". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

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Redneck jokes

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband either." He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Fitness jokes

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."

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Religion jokes Banker Jokes

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though...
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-аss!

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One-Liner Jokes

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady!
Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am.
I'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours?
Tell her to count the stairs on the escalator.

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Blonde Jokes

A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just сrар in the carburator," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes BMW jokes

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The реsт exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

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Military Jokes Banker Jokes Secretary Jokes Hairdresser Jokes

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome. Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

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Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes Divorce Jokes

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.No longer content with merely photocopying your вuтт, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

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Military Jokes

A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?"
A student wrote... "My dad married my mom."

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School Jokes One-Liner Jokes

What is the similarities between a black girl, and a tornado?
They both suск, вlоw, and leave you homeless!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes Weather jokes

Republicans only seem to care about people's health when they haven't been born yet!

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Republican jokes

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I did not do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

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School Jokes

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Baby Jokes

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter

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Chuck Norris Jokes

In court to plead his case, an alleged auto thief listened as the judge asked the simple question, "How do you plead?"
The defendant, representing himself replied, "Before I plead, your honor, I'd like to explain just why I stole that car."

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Walter: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles?
How intimidating is this: Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching? What do they do when they arrest somebody? Alright, get in the basket.

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One-Liner Jokes

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