Most popular jokes

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road.
The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
"We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks.
Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
"But it stinks!" she exclaims.
"So hold its nose!"

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Dirty jokes

Coworker: Can you help me with this project?
Me: The short answer is no.
Coworker: What's the long answer?
Me: Nooooooo.

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Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes

Teacher: "I killed a person, tell me this sentence in future tense."
Student: "In future tense, You will go to jail."

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School Jokes

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus.
When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, Mom, down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda.
As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's реnis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

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Animal Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness.
When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously.
This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark.
When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

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Programmer Jokes God Jokes Computer Jokes

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "
I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
Anything."
His voice softens.
"Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you...study?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Student jokes

Bruce Springsteen calls Chuck Norris 'The Boss'.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Boss Jokes

Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine."
Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."
Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor.
The street was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."

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Life Jokes

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shiт”.
He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fuскing”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.
His father promptly said “cooking”.
Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “вiтсhеs and hoes”.
He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.
Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey вiтсhеs and hoes! I’ll take your shiт to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fuскing the turkey!"

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Parent Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded:
"Troopers don't have ваlls, ma'am."
After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

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Political Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes

Chuck Norris met an exclamation point and punched it in the face.
We now have questions.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Husband: Knocks the door at midnight.
Wife: Go back where you coming from!
Husband: Open the door or I throw myself in the swimming pool!
Wife: Go ahead and кill yourself, do you think I care? So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool.
!!!!..Scheweew..!!!!
Wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door.
Wife: Open the door or I will shout!!
Husband: Shout till all the neighbours wakes up and comes here. Tell them where you are coming from by this time of the night with only a раnтy and a вrа!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirтy joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black соск and not enough about white рussy."

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Dirty jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M.
he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks.
“My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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Blonde Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

Boy: “Isn’t the principal a duммy!”
Girl: “Say, do you know who I am?”
Boy: “No.”
Girl: “I’m the principal’s daughter.”
Boy: “And do you know who I am?”
Girl: “No,”
Boy: “Thank goodness!”

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School Jokes

Chuck Norris can whistle in five different languages, including sign language.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

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