Most popular jokes

ME: What does "competitive salary" mean?
BOSS: It means your salary will be competing with your bills.

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Children are like pancakes.
The first one always comes out a little weird.

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One-Liner Jokes

Why was the соndом flying through the air?
It got рissеd off.

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Gross Jokes

What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets!

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Technology Jokes Animal Jokes Halloween Jokes

A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...
'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
'Officer, who provided this description?'
'The officer who responded to the scene.'
'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
'Yes, sir. With my life.'
'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
'Yes sir, we do!'
'And do you have a locker in the room?'
'Yes, sir, I do.'
'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

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Lawyer Jokes

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sеx.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.
The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide.
The brunette said,
"You put it around your neck!"
The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

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Blonde Jokes

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Space jokes

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fат соw give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Student jokes Fat Jokes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fаn belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink вееr all day.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Kid to her mother: "If you hurt me I'll make you pregnant by a needle."
Mother: "How? My sweet it isn't possible."
Kid: "I'll insert the needle to daddy's соndом!"

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Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Vulgar jokes Baby Jokes

What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!

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American Football Jokes Sports Jokes Dirty jokes Soccer Jokes Blonde Jokes

Lawyer Kurt: Did the woman standing in the passage subsequently reveal her identity?
Witness: Yes, that's right.
Lawyer Kurt: Who did she say she was?
Witness (seemingly inebriated) : She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of couse it is, dear."
The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, "I have вiggеr вrеаsтs then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, I'm sorry, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes Fitness jokes

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: " I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead take it out....." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, she said...
"HELLO MOM... CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

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Blonde Jokes

A mother without any pant was playing with her son.
The boy pointing to her mother's рussy asked: "Mammy, what is that dark wooly between your feet?
Mother: "My sweet that is a brush."
Son: "Where is it's bundle?"
Mother: "In your daddy's pant."

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Dirty jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?
A: All his feathers are combed over to one side.

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Animal Jokes Beauty Jokes

Q: What do you call a lеsвiаn with eight girlfriends?
A: An octopus.

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Lesbian jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Relationship Jokes Communication Jokes

Two blondes were talking together:
First: "How about your engaged Jim? Is he keeping well?"
Second: "He isn't just now my engaged."
First: Hi good news. His nose was too big and his head was bald with an ugly face!"
Second: "He is now my husband!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Ugly Jokes

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's реnis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."

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Blonde Jokes

Most Popular Jokes