Newest jokes - Page 252

Two fathers chat outside school in the morning:
"Bill, have you solved your son’s math problems?"
"Yes, man, I did. Why?"
"Can you quickly give them to me, so I can copy them...?"

38 0

The man pulled over to the side of the road when he saw the police lights in his rear view mirror.
“How long have you been riding around without a tail light?” asked the officer.
“Oh, no!” screamed the man, jumping out of the car.
“Calm down, it isn’t that serious.” said the officer.
“Wait’ll my family finds out.”
“Where’s your family?”
“They’re in the trailer that was hitched to the car!”

39 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Life Jokes

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a sсrеw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the sсrеw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one sсrеw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemized bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
- Turning of one sсrеw: $1.00.
- Knowing which sсrеw to turn: $99,999.00.

39 0

Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Life Jokes Superhero Jokes Boss Jokes

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.
They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

38 0

Animal Jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real. It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

36 0

Kids Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Christmas Jokes

Chuck Norris can pour a pancake so thin that it only has one side.

79 1

Food Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him.
Teacher asks, "Johnny, join these two sentences together.
I was cycling to school.
I saw a dead body."
Little Johnny after thinking for a while says, "I saw a dead body cycling to school."

38 0

School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

God created the man.
He noticed that the man is hungry he created bread .
He understood the man is thirsty so he originated water.
He considered the man feels cold so he created fire .
At the end God recognized the man is very comfortable then he created WOMAN!!

77 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

A 60-year-old millionaire has just married a 20-year-old model.
‘You crafty old devil,’ says his friend.
‘How did you manage to get a lovely young wife like that?’
‘Easy,’ replies the millionaire.
‘I told her I was 95.’

38 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

39 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.

39 0

Food Jokes Animal Jokes

If Chuck Norris movies were in 3D, the audience would be dead.

36 0

Technology Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The fourth guy said, "I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there."
The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don’t you go to hеll, there aren’t any nuns there!"

39 0

Sports Jokes Men jokes

You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me."
Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

39 0

Sports Jokes Old People Jokes

Music teacher tells Peter: "I warn you, if you will not behave, as appropriate, I tell your parents that you have a talent for music."

126 0

School Jokes Parent Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his аrsе!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fuскing hurts doesn't it!"

39 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes Love Jokes

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.
"Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a реnguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

39 0

God Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
“Bad knees.”

41 0

Dirty jokes Old People Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Chuck Norris once went sky diving, he did not use a parachute. The spot he landed on is now known as the Grand Canyon.

36 0

Sports Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends".
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink. The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again. Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means. The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

73 0

Blonde Jokes

Latest Jokes