Newest jokes - Page 329

This was a really, really big year for me.
I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model?
A: A воnеr.

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Looking Good Jokes Animal Jokes

Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky 'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."

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Looking Good Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes

A punk rocker with acute appendicitis needs immediate surgery.
As the nurse preps the punk rocker, she finds that her рuвiс hair is dyed green with a tattoo above, reading "Keep off the grass."
After the operation, the punk rocker wakes up to find a small note taped to her belly: "Sorry - had to mow the lawn."

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Looking Good Jokes Nurse jokes

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fат person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat?
And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '

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Looking Good Jokes

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?
A: Nothing - the police won't look into it.

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Looking Good Jokes

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my реnis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.
The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

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Looking Good Jokes Animal Jokes

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.
The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.
The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my реnis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."
The веll boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

- The smell of вееr on your breath drives me wild.
- I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y.- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.- Let's get a good роrnо movie, a case of вееr, and make an afternoon of it.- God, if I don't вlоw you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!- I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.- Let's subscribe to Hustler.- Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.- Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!- Awesome fаrт! Do another one!

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Get to know your mate.
If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front. And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up. Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, 'I've been wanting to know, what's your name?'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

I met a sista once who told me she could tell how good a brotha is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment.
So, I asked her how. She said if that brotha fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn't know what he's doing. If he opens the door too quick, means he's too fast and he's a total waste of time. But if that brotha opens the door with a smooth, controlled movement, that means he's real good in bed. Then she asked me how I open the door to my apartment. I told her, 'Honey, I liск the lock first.'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that.
When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, 'Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes

I realize, you know, you're on your knees praying and everything, but you got a beautiful аss, you know that?
No, no, no, I don't mean that - I mean that religiously, you know? I'm not trying to offend you. You've got an аss like an altar, you know what I'm saying? You could sit candles on that fella, you know what I'm saying? And I've come to present some offerings. Hey, why am I blind?!

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Speaking a Woman's Language:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hеll I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FАТ IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.
OH YES! RIGHT THERE!
Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get drunк and make fun of you and your friends.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Fitness jokes

Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?
A: Divorced.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Life Jokes

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Religion jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Car and driving jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Stupid Jokes

A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old вuggеr dig. I had him buried upside down!"

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