Newest jokes - Page 389

Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him.
Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case.
‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirтy lawyer of mine.’
‘Why?’ asks the judge.
‘He won your acquittal.
Why do you want to have him arrested?’
Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the ваsтаrd went and took the car I stole.’

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If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!

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Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes IT jokes Geek jokes

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.
'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.
'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Сhrisт, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'

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Banker Jokes Sailor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Yo mama's so fат, she made weight watchers go blind.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

What has a hundred ваlls and fuскs old women?
Bingo!

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Old People Jokes

1990: Sneaking out of my parents house.
2020: Sneaking into my parents house.

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Coronavirus Jokes

When the fire department catches fire, they call Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris can jump without leaving the ground.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it, why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

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Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes Dog jokes

Do you remember how everyone was trying to кill Osama Bin Laden?
Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.

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Dark Humor Jokes Political Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have.
The first one says he'll have H2O.
The second one said he'll have H2O too.
The second one died.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Science jokes

Bill Gates dies and goes to God.
God says to him:
Because you invented the screen saver I give you the possibility to go wherever you want.
God shoes Bill that in hеll there are lots of nакеd chicks and beaches.
So he chooses hеll.
After a while God returns and asks him if he like’s it there.
Bill says:
No! Where are all the chicks you just showed me?
Oh that! That was just a screen saver.

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God Jokes Computer Jokes Microsoft and Bill Gates Jokes

Q: Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements take Viаgrа?
A: It may cause them to spin around and point north.

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Viagra jokes

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?"
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."
The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

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Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Divorce Jokes

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another.
The elephants were connected trunk to tail.
They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000.
B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the аsshоlеs out of eight others."

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Gross Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes

what do you call a bunch of mexicans in a barn?
modern farm equiptment

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Mexican jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

How can you tell if your house was built by lеsвiаn carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

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Dirty jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Lesbian jokes

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.” He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

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School Jokes Science jokes

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before."
The legless man shakes his head.
Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before."
The legless man shakes his head again.
Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fuскеd before."
The legless man says, "No."
The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"

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Dark Humor Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

Q: How do Asians get their name?
A: They throw a pan down the hall and listen to the noise.
Example: Dоng Ching Lau.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes Baby Jokes

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