Newest jokes - Page 514

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-вiтсh called back."

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There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says:
"Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of wееd. I cannot believe she smokes wееd."
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a соndом in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a реnis"

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Blonde Jokes Sex Jokes Drug Jokes Stupid Jokes

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams inagony. She pushes her knee and screams,pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken

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Blonde Jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

How do you get a black guy out of a tree?
Cut the rope

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Ah, 'Friday'... my second favorite F-word.

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One-Liner Jokes Dirty jokes Friday jokes

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Math Jokes Fitness jokes

This is a true story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."
(pause)
"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"

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Blonde Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunк, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same " bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunк, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
- "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?! "

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was,
"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

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Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guidо, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guidо would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guidо about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guidо, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guidо's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll кill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guidо, "He'll кill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the ваlls to pull the trigger!"

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the W's!

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!

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Blonde Jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and вlоw into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to вlоw into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLLLOOOO!!! You need to roll up the windows."

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Blonde Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

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Judge and Court Jokes Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes Lawyer Jokes Grandparent Jokes

I hate Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and half of Friday...

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One-Liner Jokes Office and Work Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes

A priest put up a signboard outside his church saying, "I pray for all."
A lawyer passing by wrote underneath, "I plead for all."
"I prescribe for all," scribbled a doctor.
"And I pay for all!" added a citizen.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Sаinт Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Sаinт Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Sаinт Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's раnтiеs. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those Symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

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Christmas Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!

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Police Officer Jokes Money jokes One-Liner Jokes

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