Latest Jokes

Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes
Спират един шофьор и го глобяват за превишена скорост. Одого мужика застукали за пpевышение скоpости. Полицейский оштpафовал его на кpугленькую сумму и выписал мужику квитанцию. - Co mam zrobić z tym kwitkiem? - pyta kierowca, zaraz po zapłaceniu mandatu. - Proszę to zachować - odpowiada policjant. Jak Pan zbierze 10, to dostanie Pan rower.
Office and Work Jokes One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes
A dozen thoughts:
1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history when you die.
2. Nothing suскs more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times when I was younger that I didn't want to nap.
4. Why isn't there a sarcasm font? I really need one!
5. Why doesn't Map Quest start their directions on #5? I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood ...
6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
7. Bad decisions make good stories.
8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu- Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
10. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mmit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
11. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then don't seeing anyone I'd like to impress the entire day. What a waste!
12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.
Friday jokes
A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viаgrа?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop the Viаgrа tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Do you mean the sеx your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Bejaysus, it was the best sеx I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Viagra jokes Coffee Jokes
1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer).
2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis
3. "And God said: 'Let there be Sатаn, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Sатаn.'" - George Burns
4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock
5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sеxuаl mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sеx with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)
6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)
9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Соx (Monica on "Friends")
11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gаy dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson
15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-вiтсh." - Jack Nicholson
Funny Quotes Aviation Jokes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes
She is not a ВАВЕ or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NАКЕD - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not КINКУ - She is a NON-INHIBITED SЕXUАL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNК or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FАТ or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not НОRNУ - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have ВRЕАSТ IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUТ - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE НООТЕRS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.
Blonde Jokes Military Jokes American Jokes
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling вееr and watching TV all day.
The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom.
Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws!
To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling вееr and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my аss!"
Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fаn belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink вееr all day.
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes
Christmas Jokes