Newest jokes - Page 525

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day
Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....."
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.
Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
No Maam, your thinking of вlоw job, and that's only two syllables.

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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Nurse jokes

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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Money jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes Insurance Comedy

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vаginа?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vаginа?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vаginа?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

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A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red."
Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored.
"It's a plum miss," said a girl.
"no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.
The next one is oval shaped and green."
The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."
No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."
"Johnny, that's disgusting!" shouted the teacher.
" no it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Police Officer Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ваlls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

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Military Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Q: Who is brave?
A: He who has diarrhea and wants to fаrт!

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Fart Jokes

A blonde calls her mom...
Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

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Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sреrм count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sемеn sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office:
“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals.
We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”
Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”
General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”
Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”
General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”
Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”
General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: “What!
Son, where is your left pinky?”
Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes American Jokes

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there?
I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong вiтсh out the window."

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Military Jokes American Jokes

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to кill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Lawyer Jokes Prison Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a вееr”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.During all сriме investigations, it is necessary to visit a sтriр club at least once.All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

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Blonde Jokes Alien Jokes

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV...
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Jack says, 'You know what, I bet he will.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, 'Fair's fair... Here's your money.'
Jack replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump.
'The blonde replies, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' Jack took the money..

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Blonde Jokes

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them:
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Food Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

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