Newest jokes - Page 551

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?
The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

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Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.”
Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”
Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”
Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.”
Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”

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IT jokes Computer Jokes Internet Jokes

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jаскаss to pay for it all.

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes

Me: "I love you."
You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Me: "It's me talking to the wine."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string.
And he walks into a whоrеhоusе. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sеx with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sеx with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sеx with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sеx with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sеx with the Mailman... and HE's the мотhеrfuскеr who ran over my frog."

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Kids Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention."
Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

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School Jokes

How do you get an old lady to swear?
Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!

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Old People Jokes

My friend's father died last night so I asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?"
He said, "A bus passed over his finger!"
I laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause."
My friend said: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"

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An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre.
He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.
The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.
Once again the customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat.
"What's wrong with you?" they ask.
The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?"
The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

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One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him:
I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh.
The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep...
Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her:
Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?

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There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant.
"Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Ваng Ваng'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.
"Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Ваng Ваng!"
The German falls dead.
More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Ваng Ваng! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Ваng Ваng! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Ваng Ваng!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate.
"Bangety Ваng Ваng!
Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use.
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

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Military Jokes

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes Phone jokes

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fаrт... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunк one night in Singapore and sсrеwеd a parrot....
I thought maybe you were my son.''

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that рussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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Sex Jokes School Jokes Dirty jokes

Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy. The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?"
And the father answers truthfully:
"These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sеx."
"Oh.. i see! the boy answers. They shown them to us at school, in the sеx education class."
Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?"
"This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside.
"What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?"
"This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?"
His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"

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Kids Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

This guy's at a bar, and it's really late. He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor.
He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home.
On the way out to the car, the drunк falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car.
When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door.
The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell.
The drunк's wife opens the door.
He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you."
The wife gratefully responds, "Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you."
"Where's his wheelchair?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now !
Employee: How?
Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes

White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby.
The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.
"Ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes"
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes"
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep"

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Religion jokes Priest Jokes Boss Jokes

The wife and I had come to town to pick up a few things.
We came out of one store and saw a cop writing a ticket for illegal parking right in front of us on the curb.
So we asked him nicely to give a couple of retirees a break.
But he paid us no attention and kept writing.
Just loud enough for him to hear, my wife said, "What a Bozo."
The cop looked up, stared at my wife, then started writing out another ticket.
I said, "Honey, this guy probably just learned to read and write, and he's so proud of himself, he's showing off."
The cop tore off the 2nd ticket and started on a third.
We kept making comments and he kept writing tickets till he was up to about half a dozen.
Finally, glaring at us, the cop left, and we walked on down the street.
We didn't care about the tickets.
We always take the bus into town, and anyway, that car was one of those obnoxious Hummers.
Being retired, we always try to find ways to keep ourselves amused.
We feel it's important.

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Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes

Q: Why do men fаrт louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.

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